Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A man has an affair with an Italian woman and she becomes pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he pays her to return to Italy to give birth. If she agrees to raise the baby in Italy too, he’ll provide money until the child is 18. She agrees, but asks how he’ll know when the baby is born. He tells her to send him a postcard with spaghetti written on the back. Then he’ll begin payments.
One day, about nine months later, he comes home to find his wife looking confused. ‘Darling,’ she says, ‘you’ve received a very strange postcard today.’
‘Oh, really?’ the man replies. ‘Let me see.’
The wife watches as her husband reads the message
on the postcard, turns white and faints. On the card is written: Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

[Money Money Money]

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"Some idiot put blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[BrilloPad]

At a pub quiz, the compere asks the question:
‘Who came first, Adam or Eve?’
‘Adam of course,’ one man pipes up.
Then his wife mutters: ‘Men usually do.’



A man walks into a bar, sits down next to another man and immediately notices the man has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. ‘Wow,’ says the first man. ‘Cool lighter, where did you get it?’
‘A genie from a bottle granted me one wish,’ He replied.
‘Great, can I try it?’
‘Sure.’
The first man rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
‘You are granted one wish,’ says the genie.
‘I want a million bucks,’ the man asks.
‘Granted!’ says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks come pouring in.
‘I can’t believe this,’ says the man who has just made his wish. ‘I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.’
The second man then shouts: ‘Do you really think I wished for a 12” Bic?’

An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asks him: ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
‘Well,’ he replies. ‘I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle so I guess I am.’
‘I’m a lesbian.’ the lady says. ‘I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch television, everything seems to make me think of women.’
A little while later, a couple sit next to the old cowboy and ask him: ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
‘I always thought I was,’ the man replies. ‘But I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’

[EternalOptimist]

A woman walks to work past a petshop every day.
For weeks she sees a sign in the window 'Clit licking frog £20'
then its 'nipple sucking frog £15'
then is back to 'clit licking frog £18'

One day she is a bit randy and a bit curious, so she goes into the shop
there is a guy standing behind the counter
'er, its about the clit licking frog'
'ah oui madamoiselle'

[BrilloPad]

Q. What happened to the man who died from an overdose of Viagra?
A. They couldn’t get the coffin to close.




As the inspector walks around the bakery he notices a man pressing down the outsides of the fruit pies with his thumb.
‘Hey you,’ he calls out. ‘Don’t you have a tool for that?’
‘Yeah,’ replies the man. ‘But I use that for putting holes in the doughnuts.’


Did you hear about the flasher who was thoroughly embarrassed when his case was heard in the small claims court?


A man tells a woman: ‘I haven’t had sex since 1958.’
‘You must be feeling very frustrated,’ says the woman.
The man looks at his watch and replies, ‘Not really, it’s only 21.15 now.’

[Moscow Mule]

A young woman comes up to a man with no arms and no legs, sunning himself on the beach.
"oh you poor thing" she says "have you ever been kissed?"
Flattered by the attention, the man shakes his head, and the girl gives him a kiss.
"how about a cuddle?" she continues
Again, the man shakes his head and the girl gives him a cuddle?
Then she asks "Have you ever been ****ed?"
He shakes his head once more and she replies
"well you will be once that tide comes in"

[Andy2]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled APR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the APR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the APR button.

'The button APR is an Automatic Pad Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

[Andy2]

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds thechickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a Pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

[realityhack]

Old but good: scouser keyboard

[Swiss Tony]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club,fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol