I was driving up the motorway...

[Swiss Tony]

It's easy to distract fat people.

Piece of cake.

[ZZZZ Snoozer]

A woman goes to the doctors and her husband accompanies her.

She comes out after her consultation and her husband asks "Well what did he say?"

She says "he told me that I have a nice fanny"

"A what?" says the husband, and he goes in to have a word with the doctor. Soon after he comes out again and says to his wife "You have acute angina".

[Swiss Tony]

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk.

The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed,"

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more un-comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just shag*ed your dog and sh*t in
your purse. I'm done."

[mictech]

One Valentines day I was on a first date with a woman, so I gave her a bunch of flowers when I picked her up. We had a meal and drinks, then at the end of the night I walked her home.
She asked me in and left me downstairs while she when upstairs for a minute.
She then called me upstairs, and I found her striped naked on the bed, legs wide apart.
She said, "this is for the flowers"
I said, "have you not got a vase"

[Spacecadet]

worlds sickest joke

How can you tell when your sisters on her period?
Dads cock tastes funny

[Swiss Tony]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[ZZZZ Snoozer]

Monica Lewinsky goes to the dry cleaners, where she says "Can you please clean this dress"

The woman in the shop is slightly deaf, so she replies with "Come Again"

Monica says in return "No, this time it's mayonnaise"

[Swiss Tony]

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A Doberman in a playground

[The Lone Gunman]

Bloke walks into a bar.

"ouch"
It was an iron bar.

[The Lone Gunman]

Bloke goes into a garage.

"Car wont start"
mechanic says "flat battery"
he says "what shape should it be?"