and a few jokes
When Snow White is sent into a ‘sleeping death’ by the poisoned apple, a character says he has never heard of ‘sleeping death’. ‘You’ve obviously never been to a James Blunt concert,’ he is told.
Comic: Sorry I’m late. I’ve been to the optician’s. He’s just told me I’m colour blind.
Buttons: Colour blind?
Comic: Yes, it came as a real bolt out of the orange.
Dame: I’m so tired. I can’t go any further. I’m absolutely knickered.
Buttons: Do you mean knackered?
Dame: No, knickered. My breath’s coming in short pants.
Dame: My husband fell into a huge vat of granulated coffee and was never seen again. It was a terrible way to go but at least it was instant.
Buttons: Have you put on weight?
Dame: Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate.
Dame: I’ve been married 16 times.
Comic: 16?
Dame: Yes, four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
Q: What did Cinderella say when the chemist mislaid her photos?
A: Some day my prints will come.
Dame: Every time I’m down in the dumps, I buy myself a new hat.
Comic: I wondered where you got them from.
Man: Eggs are going up again.
Dame: That’ll surprise a few chickens.
Emperor: Would you like a dance?
Dame: Yes. I did ballet as a child.
Comic: But she was so fat, she had to wear a three-three.
Comic: I went out last night and had 14 pints of low-fat yoghurt. I got totally Mullered.
Q: Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?
A: Because nine out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers.
Q: Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
A: She had a pumpkin for a coach.
Comic: You want to be careful of the baddie. He’s a magician. He can turn you into a prawn cocktail. And that’s just for starters.
Q: What did the woodcutter’s wife say to her husband in December?
A: Not many chopping days left till Christmas.
Comic: I’d like to buy a goldfish.
Pet shop owner: Would you like an aquarium?
Comic: I don’t care what its star sign is.
Dame: I miss my husband. I used to rub grease all over his back to make him feel better.
Comic: What happened?
Dame: He went downhill really fast.
When Snow White is sent into a ‘sleeping death’ by the poisoned apple, a character says he has never heard of ‘sleeping death’. ‘You’ve obviously never been to a James Blunt concert,’ he is told.
Comic: Sorry I’m late. I’ve been to the optician’s. He’s just told me I’m colour blind.
Buttons: Colour blind?
Comic: Yes, it came as a real bolt out of the orange.
Dame: I’m so tired. I can’t go any further. I’m absolutely knickered.
Buttons: Do you mean knackered?
Dame: No, knickered. My breath’s coming in short pants.
Dame: My husband fell into a huge vat of granulated coffee and was never seen again. It was a terrible way to go but at least it was instant.
Buttons: Have you put on weight?
Dame: Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate.
Dame: I’ve been married 16 times.
Comic: 16?
Dame: Yes, four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
Q: What did Cinderella say when the chemist mislaid her photos?
A: Some day my prints will come.
Dame: Every time I’m down in the dumps, I buy myself a new hat.
Comic: I wondered where you got them from.
Man: Eggs are going up again.
Dame: That’ll surprise a few chickens.
Emperor: Would you like a dance?
Dame: Yes. I did ballet as a child.
Comic: But she was so fat, she had to wear a three-three.
Comic: I went out last night and had 14 pints of low-fat yoghurt. I got totally Mullered.
Q: Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?
A: Because nine out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers.
Q: Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
A: She had a pumpkin for a coach.
Comic: You want to be careful of the baddie. He’s a magician. He can turn you into a prawn cocktail. And that’s just for starters.
Q: What did the woodcutter’s wife say to her husband in December?
A: Not many chopping days left till Christmas.
Comic: I’d like to buy a goldfish.
Pet shop owner: Would you like an aquarium?
Comic: I don’t care what its star sign is.
Dame: I miss my husband. I used to rub grease all over his back to make him feel better.
Comic: What happened?
Dame: He went downhill really fast.
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