Reply to: Completely OT - elderly parents etc

[SueEllen]

Jeez talking to a teenager! Wont be able to get him out in the sunlight long enough.

I thought all the teenagers I was related to were fecking rude - they were except when they were talking to old people.

[psychocandy]

I wasn't thinking that.

However sometimes OAPs get really happy and behave better if they are in the presence of people under 21 e.g. those they think of as children. So bribing one of the kids to come with him to visit his dad could make his visits easier.

Jeez talking to a teenager! Wont be able to get him out in the sunlight long enough.

[psychocandy]

How old is your eldest kid?

13 Why?

[Cirrus]

This is one of the problems of being old.

For a large part of your life you are sheltered from the realities of ageing relations. It's all dealt with by other people. Then one day it's you in the firing line.

My life has been disrupted for several years. My mother lived a separate life - see her now and again, Xmas birthdays etc. Then her partner dropped dead and she descended into severe mental dysfunction, and later was hit by a series of serious strokes. Now I've got daily responsibilities. And it's altogether unpleasant, frustrating, depressing and utterly pointless. There is no way out. They won't even let you go to Dignitas despite she asks everyday if she can die.

The bottom line here is you can't treat afflicted parents as normal human beings. You have to accept that it's not your fault; you can't actually solve the problem, and other agencies just have to cope - you can't stop all the nonsense. You can tell doctors how it is but then you just stand back. Whatever goes on, goes on. It's happening al the time; your father is just a drop in the ocean of chaos.

I think you need to be a lot tougher. For you own protection.

You also need to change the role. Your father is no longer the person who tells you what he wants. He's now like the child you once were. You tell him exactly how it is and if he disobeys then punish him like he would have punished your disobedience when you were young.

You're not alone. We constantly hear about the charmed existence of baby boomers but people choose to ignore the concomitant curse of old age dependants.

[SueEllen]

Ooo bit of a harsh suggestion.

I wasn't thinking that.

However sometimes OAPs get really happy and behave better if they are in the presence of people under 21 e.g. those they think of as children. So bribing one of the kids to come with him to visit his dad could make his visits easier.

[MarillionFan]

How old is your eldest kid?

Ooo bit of a harsh suggestion.

[SueEllen]

Well gig close to home is starting to become a bit of a double edged sword...... Being further away sort of got me out of a lot of things.

Those with elderly parents who are awkward will understand. You try to help them but its tough sometimes.

This weekend he insisted I come over and help him shower. I was going over anyway since it was fathers day. Bit of a busy weekend - wife had knee op friday so shes struggling a bit. As for me, shoulder/neck is playing up still - GP has said for me to minimise driving.

So 1pm I go over. (20+ miles away). Doesnt want a shower now, can I come back later? Stupidly I agree. It was fathers day.
So 7pm I'm back, leaving kids with mum which was not ideal. Find out then he'd had carer visit that morning who'd offered to help him shower but he'd said no because it was too early and I was going to help him anyway! Jeez - I was not impressed.

I think I need to get tough now. Still getting "can you take me to the hospital at 1pm week thursday" requests. I had these when I was 90 mins away too. I usually sort patient transport for him but hes not keen because they turn up 30 mins earlier than he wants to go. I've even tried to arrange and pay for taxi - wont have it - refuses to ever use a taxi "for people who've got more sense than money". Just does not seem to consider anyone else sadly.

How old is your eldest kid?

[psychocandy]

Well gig close to home is starting to become a bit of a double edged sword...... Being further away sort of got me out of a lot of things.

Those with elderly parents who are awkward will understand. You try to help them but its tough sometimes.

This weekend he insisted I come over and help him shower. I was going over anyway since it was fathers day. Bit of a busy weekend - wife had knee op friday so shes struggling a bit. As for me, shoulder/neck is playing up still - GP has said for me to minimise driving.

So 1pm I go over. (20+ miles away). Doesnt want a shower now, can I come back later? Stupidly I agree. It was fathers day.
So 7pm I'm back, leaving kids with mum which was not ideal. Find out then he'd had carer visit that morning who'd offered to help him shower but he'd said no because it was too early and I was going to help him anyway! Jeez - I was not impressed.

I think I need to get tough now. Still getting "can you take me to the hospital at 1pm week thursday" requests. I had these when I was 90 mins away too. I usually sort patient transport for him but hes not keen because they turn up 30 mins earlier than he wants to go. I've even tried to arrange and pay for taxi - wont have it - refuses to ever use a taxi "for people who've got more sense than money". Just does not seem to consider anyone else sadly.

[cojak]

He's letting of stream. Leave him be.

WSES.

[SueEllen]

Sorry but..... Why on earth are you discussing this on here?

He's letting of stream. Leave him be.

[northernladuk]

Sorry but..... Why on earth are you discussing this on here?

[psychocandy]

Well, if possible things got worse over the new year. Spoke to him on thursday and he was flapping big time about a new tablet the GP had given him. An Anti-depressant (which I think may be a good idea) but of course hes read the leaflet etc and says if he feels ill hes pressing his emergency thing.

So I get a call Friday. Hes "had a fall" and is in hospital. I'm honestly, 99% sure this is self-inflicted. The GP wont come out to see him, the ambulance people have started him to tell him to phone his GP when hes says he feels ill, now hes upped it and "falling".

I've not been to see him in hospital. Brother can do that - my wife has been ill. Im not about to let the rest of my family down when hes doing things like this. But I've seen a picture - slight scratch on his head....

Having a nightmare to say the least.

[psychocandy]

Out of interest why does he call an ambulance instead of 111?

I know they are useless but in his case they are people he can talk to.

Because in his head its an emergency. Most of the time he presses his lifeline button thing, speaks to someone and they call 999 - not their fault.

He was at the docs again yesterday. Once again, the GP told him he was not ill enough to go to hospital and he had to wait until after xmas for his outpatient appointment.

Dad is now convinced he wont last and is fading away. Hes lost a bit of weight but his BMI is still well into overweight. But he wont listen. Also wont listen to the fact that umpteen doctors have said hospital is not appropriate (hes been taken into A&E three times, they've checked him over and sent him home!) and neither are any urgent appointments needed.

Hes supposed to be over ours for xmas but I can really see it coming to a head before the xmas weekend. It'll be an ambulance again on the fri/sat with a fake fall or trouble breathing.....

[GJABS]

If you're not a suitably qualified healthcare professional, you don't know what you're talking about. If you are a suitably qualified healthcare professional, you should know better. I imagine it's the former.

I do know a fair amount about it from internet research of reputable websites. True I have no qualifications, but I don't see why that should stop me presenting a view.

[northernladyuk]

Definitely something mental going on there. Bipolar or similar I would imagine.

If you're not a suitably qualified healthcare professional, you don't know what you're talking about. If you are a suitably qualified healthcare professional, you should know better. I imagine it's the former.