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    Royals Plan to Bring Back Diana

    Sacha Cucksoccer, Royal correspondent: In a media leak today it was revealed that the British Royal Family are planning to revive their flagging popularity by bringing Princess Diana back from the dead.

    In a sensational leaked email forwarded to the GP, one paragraph clearly states that 'since her death, our popularity amongst subjects has waned to a point where we are having to log into chat rooms to start spreading rumours concerning ourselves'.

    The instrument continues with something about shopping and fanfares but ends on a chilling note, hinting that the Royal Family may be about to summon some dark power to breathe life into the corpse of their long-dead heroine.

    'Without her we are lawst, like England without Beckham, like the Beatles without McCartney, Lennon, Harrison and Starr, like Chigley without Lord Belborough. And besides, one hears that 'bringing them back' is awl the rage now. Dallas did it with Bobby Ewing, Eastenders did it with Dirty Den and is planning to do it again with Cindy Beale. Why can't we do it... bring her back? The time has come where we should summon the Dark Lord to breathe life back into the corpse of our long-dead heroine.'

    Tantalisingly, the email was signed 'P', as if the writer wished to remain anonymous or couldn't remember their own name.

    As ambiguous as the paragraph is, one respected Royal genealogist* who has asked to remain anonymous believes the family may be about to summon Naol**, their Lizard God, who first gave them the power to appear to others as regular, albeit loaded, human beings.

    'It's no laughing matter' he insists. 'If Naol makes an appearance and succeeds in bringing Diana back from the grave, it'll mark a new and very disturbing era for all mankind. It won't just be more of the senior Royals you'll be seeing on the telly.

    'Every news bulletin, supermarket gossip magazine, Sunday paper supplement, crossword book and TV guide will be swamped with pictures of Diana again, just as they were before she died.

    'Every time you'll turn on the six o'clock news or breakfast TV she'll be there, hugging an aids victim or sewing the feet back onto a landmine amputee in Zimbabwe. It'll be a pure living hell!'

    * David Icke is 73.
    ** Naol is 3,214
    I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground

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      What day is it today ?
      I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground

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        Blades and Hammers cast into eternal limbo

        SHEFFIELD United will be promoted from their current Championship status, West Ham United will lose their Premiership place too as FA bosses cast them both into mid-division limbo.

        The Blades, who were ejected from the top flight on the last day of last season, appealed against a Premier League fine imposed on the Hammers, claiming a points deduction that would have seen the East London outfit demoted in their place would have been the correct penalty.

        West Ham bought Carlos Tevez while he was still owned by a 13 strong conglomerate including the Disney Corporation and several trans-global dental companies.

        Speaking today after the rerun of the Tevez hearing, Premier League spokesman Walter Wintleybottom said: "The panel has found that West Ham should have suffered a points deduction for their part in the Tevez affair.

        "We have now removed the points from them and cast them from the Premiership into a divisionless limbo between the Championship and the top division.

        "The Championship, run by the football league has now promoted Sheffield United into the same limbo, where they will battle each other season long, head to head, week after merciless week.

        "At the end of the season the winner of the two team league will be promoted to the Premier League, while the loser will remain in limbo - quite frankly, we can't be f****d with them anymore."

        The limbo has been specially constructed and is said to resemble the high tech prisons of Superman II, which kept General Zod and his crazy pals in perpetual imprisonment while spinning through space.

        The Hammers Blades limbo will float around the United Kingdom, allowing crowds to gather and watch the futile, never ending battle between the two sides.

        "I think it's an interesting idea," said former Blades boss Neil Warnock, adding, "but I'm glad I got out when I did."

        The news is expected to spark an auction, particularly at the Boleyn Ground where only Teddy Sherringham is believed to be keen on the idea of a never changing prison in which he can be mocked and pilloried by passing fans.

        "It'll be just like Big Brother," said Britain's most intelligent footballer.
        I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground

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          SA says;
          Well you looked so stylish I thought you batted for the other camp - thats like the ultimate compliment!

          I couldn't imagine you ever having a hair out of place!

          n5gooner is awarded +5 Xeno Geek Points.
          (whatever these are)

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            Originally posted by Clownio
            Me too !

            well I for one will contiune to cut 'n paste .... so la la la la...
            Me too !

            well I for one will contiune to cut 'n paste .... so la la la la...

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              cut

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              cut

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                2 and a half hours and i am gone!

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                  just gonna read a change request that went into production all cack.

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                    and then swift meeting to find outv what i'm doing for the next 4 months or so.

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                      am i past xeno yet?

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