Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she's making all my decisions for me.


She's been given power of a tawny.

[WTFH]

Why do astronauts use linux?




Because you can't open windows in space.

[vetran]

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

[vetran]

So Mo Farah was trafficked to this country as a slave

Whose statue should I vandalise?

[vetran]

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!

[vetran]

Wharty goes in front of a judge for shoplifting. He's chewing gum noisily.
Judge says "this is a courtroom. Stop masticating!"
Wharty says "sorry", and takes his hands out of his pockets.

[vetran]

WTFH: "When I die, I want to die having sex."

Wife: "At least it will be quick."

[vetran]

'...Since moving to Thailand I've become a Buddhist and now believe in reincarnation.

So when I die, I've left all my money to ME!'

[vetran]

In the race for PM, Penny Mordaunt seems to have plenty of people on her side.

At the same time, you can't ignore her knockers.

[vetran]

My son asked, "What is paranoid?"

"It's two noids," I replied.

"What's a noid?," he said.

"What I get when you ask too many ******* questions."