Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a
300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush
strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central
London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six
magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham
Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right
rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British
Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes
the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their
best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's
ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please
accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control".

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "You Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said
something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[BrilloPad]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

[BrilloPad]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his flucking head.
I'm not a morning person

[BrilloPad]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As
he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After
a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
sorry, but your dog is dead."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done
any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments,
he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went
right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After
a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook
his head and said, "Bark". The veterinarian then took the
Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who
also checked out the poor dog on the table.

The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped
off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's
owner went postal. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This
is Outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken
my word for it, it would have been £50, but with all the Lab
work and then a cat scan..."

[BrilloPad]

A Memo from Finance Dept.
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning
in time sheets that specify large amounts of 'Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time'(code #5000).

To FD, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is
not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The
newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires
additional information to achieve its goals.

Attached below is a sheet specifying an Extended Task Code List based on
observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with greater precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about
any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List

Code Description

5001 Surfing the net - non business related
5002 Surfing the net - business related
5010 Reading/writing social email
5013 Sharing social e-mail (see codes #5005, #5004)
5014 Collecting jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
5015 Forwarding jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
5016 Faxing jokes and other humorous material to friends not on e-mail
5200 Photocopying private material
5201 Photocopying pornographic material
5202 Photocopying body parts
5316 Meeting to chat
5317 Obstructing communications at meetings
5318 Attempting to sound knowledgeable while in meetings
5319 General diversionary activities to maintain consciousness in
meetings
5320 Waiting (unspecified)
5321 Waiting for break
5322 Waiting for lunch
5323 Waiting for end of day
5324 Waiting for end of week
5325 Waiting for end of month
5326 Waiting for boss to leave
5327 Waiting for something to happen
5328 Waiting for helpdesk to answer
5329 Waiting for Unix Admins to do something

5330 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker
5331 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker (co-worker not
present)
5390 Covering for incompetence of co-worker
5391 Explaining to co-worker how he/she should cover for you
5400 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is not interested in learning
5401 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is stupid
5402 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you
5403 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you because you wouldn't
sleep with them
5481 Buying snacks
5482 Eating snacks
5483 Going to kitchen to make tea / coffee.
5484 Mopping up spilt tea/coffee from desk
5500 Filling out time sheets
5501 Inventing time sheet entries
5503 Scratching
5504 Sleeping
5505 Wandering aimlessly along corridors in the hope of finding someone
to talk to
5510 Feeling bored
5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about personal problems
5610 Searching for a new job
5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching
5701 Not actually present at job
5703 Working from home
5704 Suffering from eight-hour flu
6102 Ordering carry-out
6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive
6104 Taking it easy while digesting food
6200 Using office resources for personal profit
6201 Stealing office goods
6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying office goods
6203 Using office phone to make long-distance personal calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Shuffling uncomfortably when gossip subject enters office
6208 Planning social events
6209 Recovering from social events
6210 Feeling sorry for self
6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching
6222 Pretending to enjoy job
6223 Pretending to like co-workers
6224 Pretending to like important people
6225 General sucking-up
6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasising
6601 Running own business on company time (see code #6604)
6602 Complaining
6603 Complaining that you're too busy to worry about redundancy
6604 Writing a book in company time
6605 Planning a holiday on company time
6611 Staring into space (see code #6616)
6612 Staring at computer screen (blank)
6613 Staring at screen saver
6614 Editing settings on screen saver
6615 Videoconferencing
6616 Transcendental meditation
6700 Walking round site (internal) with piece of paper
6701 Walking round site (external) with clip-board
6702 Looking important (general)
7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone
7401 Talking with plumber on phone
7402 Talking with garage on phone
7403 Talking with doctor on phone
7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
7405 Talking with house painter on phone
7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone
7407 Comparing company cars
7419 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone
7425 Talking with mistress/toy boy on phone (also see code #7400)
7435 Placing bets on phone
7931 Asking co-worker for aid in illicit activities
8000 Recreational drug use
8001 Non-recreational drug use
8003 General desperation
9000 Putting things in boxes for a desk move
9001 Taking things out of boxes after a desk move
9002 Searching for things lost during a desk move.
9003 Stealing things to replace things lost during a desk move

[BrilloPad]

Diary of a blonde...sad...very very sad!

Dear Diary,

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
separately." The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls."

Tuesday:

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
dressing."
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for
supper.

Wednesday:

A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice."
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Thursday:

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the
garden.

Friday:

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in
bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:

Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could
just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate
Moose."

[BrilloPad]

Fred and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier
miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of
things.

Fred asked if Mars had a stock market if they had laptop computers and
how they made money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just
how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded "Pretty
much the way you do."

A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to
swap partners for the night (for the sake of science, of course). Maureen
and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped.
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member about half
an
inch long and just quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work,"said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member
grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples joined their normal partners and went their
separate ways. As they walked along Fred asked, "Well was it any good?" "I
hate to say it," said Maureen "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was
horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears.

[BrilloPad]

A man is driving down the road. A woman is driving down the same road from
the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way; and, as the man rounds the next curve, he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.

[BrilloPad]

A man goes to the doctor.

Receptionist: "Can we help?"
Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
Man: "I've got somefink wrong wiv me pr1ck."
Receptionist blushes and asks him to wait.

After the doctor has examined the man, he says "By the way, when my
receptionist asks what your problem is, please don't embarrass her
like that, she is only trying to find out if you need an examination
or just a repeat prescription. Next time, tell her, er ... oh, say
there is something wrong with your elbow."

Some time later the problem recurs and the man returns to the
surgery, where there is a different receptionist.

Receptionist: "Can we help?"
Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
Man (remembering the doctor's advice): "I've got somefink wrong wiv
me elbow."
Receptionist: "What is the matter with it?"
Man: "I can't p1ss out of it."

[BrilloPad]

Salesman
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They
came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go
into the castle.

Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful
women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what
man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves
having sex many times a day with the many beautiful
women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of
men came back. As he walked into his castle he found
the three men with his women. Upset the king ordered
his army to capture the three men and line them up
against the wall. Then the king said that each of them
would be severely punished according to their
occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies..."Fireman."

The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replied,
"Lollipop salesman."