Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

“Prince Andrew spent £16k of taxpayer money on a private flight to watch open golf”

To be fair, he didn’t realise he was going to the golf. He just heard there would be under 18 holes.

[vetran]

My English teacher said “Your grammar is tulip”

I replied “your grandads a bastard”

[vetran]

"Why haven't you come back home?!" Screamed my wife on the phone.
"Sorry babe," I replied, "I got stuck."
"Uh, ok," she said, cheering up. "Where?"
She didn't seem impressed when I said, "My secretary's wardrobe."

[vetran]

Labour have accused Boris Johnson of lying over a new bed purchased for his flat in Downing Street.

What the **** else is he going to do with it,

[vetran]

My dad took me to his local for a pint.
"What can I get you?" he asked.
"Just a diet coke for me dad," I replied.
He scowled at me, "I didn't bring you here to order a poof's drink!"
"Whatever," I smiled, "I'll have what you're having."
"That's more like it!" he beamed. "Two pints of normal coke please landlord."

[NotAllThere]

Reminds me of an incident back in the mid 70s. One of my colleagues had arrived from Manchester in Newcastle Upon Tyne. He went straight into the nearest pub. There was sawdust on the floor. He goes to the bar, and asks for a pint of lager. Barman looks at him and says "We don't serve poofs here".

I gather things have improved a little since then.

[vetran]

Reminds me of an incident back in the mid 70s. One of my colleagues had arrived from Manchester in Newcastle Upon Tyne. He went straight into the nearest pub. There was sawdust on the floor. He goes to the bar, and asks for a pint of lager. Barman looks at him and says "We don't serve poofs here".

I gather things have improved a little since then.

Nah used to happen in Surrey as well. As the designated driver I frequently drank diet coke. Neil our barman used to take the mick as an ex soldier with multiple tours in NI (my times Afghanistan) he was more than welcome to.

[vetran]

Moon landing astronaut, Michael Collins, died.

It was a traditional funeral...none of them were even there.

[vetran]

Daily Mail turns 125 years old. And still, the truth won't die.

[vetran]

This bloke in the pub said to me, "**** me, that was a rough old boot you were with last night, not a patch on the women I normally see you with, what on Earth ever possessed to take her out? "


"I had to, " I replied, "it was our wedding anniversary.