Please put more jokes here

[ladymuck]

I'm thinking of opening an anal bleaching salon that specialises in different shades
I'll call it Ring Tones

[ladymuck]

Why do old assembly programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

31 Oct is the same as 25 Dec.

[vetran]

A Welshman was up in court this week after being caught having sex with an entire herd of crossbred cloned sheep.


In his plea for mitigating circumstances he said "he'd always had a weakness for Dolly mixtures".

[NotAllThere]

Netflix are doing a new series about the lives of composers. It's a bit drawn out though. The episodes about Vivaldi cover four seasons.

[BR14]

MEN are organizing BBQ on Whatsapp:
Topic: BBQ
Man 1: Hey guys, when are we going to barbecue?
Man 2: Thursday at 20.00 p.m. in ′′ Man 9 ′′ house
Man 1: Okay what do we take?
Man 9: I buy the meat and the drinks, then we split.
Man 5: Ok
Man 1: Ok
Man 3: Ok
Man 2: Ok
Man 4: Ok
Man 6: Ok
Man 7: Ok
Man 8: Ok
Man 10: Ok
Man 11: Ok
Man 12: Ok
Man 13: Ok
Man 14: Ok
Man 15: Ok
END OF CONVERSATION
WOMEN are organizing BBQ on WhatsApp:
Topic: BBQ
Woman 1: Hi everyone, when are we going to meet up and barbecue?
Woman 2: Thursday at 20 p.m.
Woman 3: Where?
Woman 2: Idk
Woman 4: Where girls?
Woman 4: If you want you can join me
Woman 2: Wouldn't it be better to go to a restaurant?
Woman 5: No, home is better then we don't spend that much and have more time
Woman 2: Okay with me
Woman 3: Ok
Woman 5: Ok
Woman 4: Ok
Woman 6: Okay? Restaurant or at home?
Woman 2: Home
Woman 7: Restaurant
Woman 2: Then let's go to woman 4 house
Woman 3: Okay, what do we take?
Woman 8: Does anyone know how to barbecue?
Woman 2: #lookingforwardtoit
Woman 6: What shall we buy?
Woman 2: Let's make a list
Woman 8: Ok
Woman 4: A little meat and salad, what do you think?
Woman 5: Well I'm on a diet so I'm just going to eat lettuce and tomatoes
Woman 2: Okay then?
Woman 1: I'll make a list and everyone says what they can bring
Woman 2: Greek salad
Woman 3: Quinoa
Woman 4: Sausage and potatoes
Woman 5: Hit, tomato and some vegetables for another salad
Woman 1: Okay, how much?
Woman 6: Idk
Woman 2: 5 sausages?
Woman 2: Who eats sausage?
Woman 2: Not me
Woman 5: Not me
Woman 7: Not me
Woman 3: Not me
Woman 4: Not me
Woman 8: Not me
Woman 1: Okay then I won't buy sausage
Woman 2: But you, woman 4, why did you say you were going to buy sausage if you don't eat it?
Woman 4: Because I put myself in the shoes of someone eating sausage
Woman 1: Ok then no sausage
Woman 1: satés and steak, 1 kilograms and 1 kilograms, ok?
Woman 7: It seems small
Woman 1: How much?
Woman 2: Idk
Woman 2: Girls? What do you think?
Woman 8: I think it's half a kilo per person
Woman 4: How much are we?
Woman 1: Idk. Girls, confirm who's going
Woman 2: Me
Woman 3: Me
Woman 5: Me
Woman 6: Me
Woman 7: Me
Woman 8: Me
Woman 9: Me
Woman 10: Me
Woman 11: Me
Woman 4: When is it?
Woman 2: Thursday?
Woman 4: I can't then
Woman 2: Bad luck, so we don't have a location?
Woman 4: Sorry girls the reminder for this appointment just went
Woman 1: What other house is available?
Woman 8: How much are we?
Woman 2: 10
Woman 3: It doesn't fit in my house
Woman 5: Not mine either
Woman 6: Not mine either
Woman 7: Much less in mine
Woman 8: Not mine either
Woman 9: Not mine either
Woman 10: Mine can do it... but I need chairs, can anyone bring?
Woman 2: Woman 11 has a seat rental shop she can take with her
Woman 5: But she doesn't reply she must be at work
Woman 9: I don't eat sausage
Woman 2: We still have to find a location
Woman 12: Sorry girls just got the phone what happened?
Woman 2: Still looking for a location
Woman 12: Come to my house no stress
Woman 2: Ok, excellent
Woman 12: Wait... what day?
Woman 2: Thursday at 20.00 p.m.
Woman 12: Huummmmm that complicates things... can it be Wednesday?
Woman 2: Fine
Woman 2: Same time?
Woman 2: Yes?
Woman 3: I can
Woman 4: I can
Woman 5: I need to take Gabi to her grandmother's house but I can go later after she falls asleep
Woman 8: Okay.
Woman 9: I can
Woman 6: I can
Woman 7: I can
Woman 11: I can
Woman 2: Done, Wednesday at wife 12's house.
Woman 3: Yes
Woman 1: Girls, come back to the BBQ... do I buy half a kilo per person?
Woman 8: Yes
Woman 1: Ok I'll ask Pieter to buy
Woman 2: Ok... and what shall we do with drinks?
Woman 3: Everyone take what they drink and that's all
Woman 9: I can't because I'm going straight from work
Woman 6: Well, woman 1 better buy everything and send it a little bit later
Woman 1: Girls, I can't buy everything, is anyone giving me a hand?
Woman 6: I will help, what are you girls drinking?
Woman 2: Coke Zero
Woman 4: Water
Woman 5: Juice
Woman 6: Spa red
Woman 9: Water with a taste
Woman 3: Girls, can we buy peach ice tea?
Woman 8: Let's go to a restaurant girls that's less effort
Woman 2: I think so too
Woman 4: Me too
Woman 6: Me too
Woman 7: Me too
Woman 9: Me too
Woman 11: Me too
Woman 12: Me too
Woman 1: Ahhh girls, I already sent Pieter to buy everything, we need to bbq
Woman 2: Uhh nonsense...
Woman 4: I want water but it must be Bonaqua containing less sodium then I won't get a bloated feeling
Woman 1: Girls, can we organize please?????
Woman 2: Ok
Woman 6: Ok
Woman 4: Ok
Woman 9: Ok
Woman 5: Ok
Woman 8: Ok
Woman 11: I don't eat sausage either
Woman 5: (sends a necklace) Girls... please share... The dog is called BOB... he got lost at the station yesterday, if everyone works together, we can find him and bring him back to his owners... They must be sick worried ?
Woman 6: Yes, poor BOB
Woman 9: BOB is beautiful!! What breed is it?
Woman 5: Idk... got this on my yoga group
Woman 2: But do you know the owners?
Woman 5: No, but I felt sorry for BOB
Woman 1: Pieter called me from the butcher shop and said they don't have steaks, what should we get?
Woman 2: I prefer chorizo steak
Woman 4: Me too
Woman 1: Girls, we can decide right away because Pieter is going to kill me, he's at the butcher shop waiting for us to decide
Woman 6: I think it's unfair that it always goes like this, it's always the same ones that organize everything and nobody else feels called to do anything
Woman 10: Hi girls just woke up and got 369 posts in our group what happened?
Woman 3: Shall I tell you...

[vetran]

My local brothel has an online reservation system.


I’ve got a slot booked between 7 and 8 tonight.

[vetran]

I knocked on Ed Sheeran's door knowing full well he couldn't come out.


I love playing lockdown ginger.

[vetran]

Think I might give Halloween a miss this year … after all, I’ve been munching sweets and wearing a mask since March.

[vetran]

Yesterday I met my Welsh girlfriend’s whole family for the first time.


Her father, her uncle, her brother.


Nice guy.

[vetran]

I was surprised when my dad told me he's a retired dog walker.


I don't know why he doesn't walk working dogs too.