Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I’ll tell you about the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me.


I was at festival once, beautiful hot day and I was keen to get pissed, but I was skint. So I was sneaking the odd drink from people here and there, when I spotted a pint glass, almost full with a golden yellow liquid. I excitedly assumed it was someone’s beer, so I went for it. Picked it up and it felt a bit warm but I just thought it’d been out in the sun. So I necked it.


Honestly, it was the most vile thing I’ve ever tasted! You’ve probably guessed what it was already...


Fosters.

[vetran]

My mate Dai just got divorced.
The lady Judge tried to be as impartial as possible by giving them equal shares,
for example when she divided their flat Dai got the outside.

[vetran]

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay


So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet?”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twit”

[vetran]

He might be right!

With 22 days to go until the election, Kanye West has begun his Presidential campaign.


I like the slogan he's chosen to go with.


Kanye: Not As Mental As The Other Two.

[vetran]

I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"


"Canteens?" he asked.


"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

[vetran]

One for SAS

I found an amazing book yesterday, it was so great that I stayed up until 3am...


Colouring it

[vetran]

I did wonder

Why are people wearing facemasks in the car when they're alone?


So they're not tempted to lick the windows

[vetran]

Idea for Cojak

The first million people that send me $1 will get a copy of my book on how to become a millionaire on Facebook.

[vetran]

Why is Diane Abbot so bad at counting ?


She's against extra addition.

[vetran]

Thought i would start up a fast track cocaine delivery service: Instagram