Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

A young guy in his late 20s moved into the village recently, he goes to the gym, works out, has a flash car, all the trimmings. Rumours were going round that he was having affairs with every married woman in the village apart from one.
So, I decided to ask my wife.

She reckons it's Mrs Clarke in the Old School House.

[vetran]

A young guy in his late 20s moved into the village recently, he goes to the gym, works out, has a flash car, all the trimmings. Rumours were going round that he was having affairs with every married woman in the village apart from one.
So, I decided to ask my wife.

She reckons it's Mrs Clarke in the Old School House.

Nah I've nailed Mrs Clarke

[vetran]

sound familiar?

I'd been banging away at this girl for a while when she stopped me:

"OMG! This is awful, you've got the smallest cock I've ever been with."

"What makes you say that?" I replied.

She said, "cos yo been fecking my belly button for the last 10 minutes."

[vetran]

We sat with tears of laughter in our eyes and as the programme ended my wife said,

"God that was funny, when is it on again? "

"I don't know about the Conservatives, " I replied, "but there is a Labour one on tomorrow night. "

[vetran]

A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don"t know what hole i"m on".She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 7; and you are on 6".He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I"m sorry to bother you but i"m lost again, can you please tell me what hole i"m on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I""m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.She said "You promised you wouldn"t laugh".He replied "I"m sorry, but i couldn"t ******* help it. " I sell toilet paper,I"m still one hole behind you"

[vetran]

For NLYUK

My wife went mad when I gave half my wages away this month. She calmed down a bit when I told her it all day went to Charity though.

Charity is the name of
my favourite hooker down at the club.

[vetran]

For Brillo

My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

[vetran]

"Well thanks a ******* bunch for ruining the fortnight." Growled the wife, as we arrived home from our stay at a Haven holiday park. "I could tell you'd rather have gone scuba diving with your mates."

"Oh, horsetulip." I replied. "What makes you think that?"

"You rolled backwards out of the ******* caravan every morning."

[vetran]

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two buses pull up.
Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation.
Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face.
He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!"
The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognise me by my face."

[vetran]

Yea Hah

I asked my blonde girlfriend if we could try a bit of reverse cowgirl.
She said, "Erm.. OK... OOOOOOOMMM!"