Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy.
The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the bloody bowl yet!"

[shaunbhoy]

CURRANTS impaled on toothpicks and displayed in the window, serve as a warning to would-be house flies.

[WTFH]

Please choose your dog's name carefully, so you don't end up like my friend. This is his story...

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Roy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.

[shaunbhoy]

TELL everyone on Facebook you are going on holiday. Then, if you are broken into whilst away, you will have a list of suspects.

[shaunbhoy]

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Police woman she looked bloody stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either."

[vetran]

Just bought a male parrot for breeding.
His first words"Who's a pretty boy then?"
Just my luck he's ******* gay.
forward

[vetran]

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place.

******* Bluetooth fairy!

[vetran]

So once again an immigrant is going to sit back and do nothing while his English wife has to do all the work.

[vetran]

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the guy at the urinal next to me.

[vetran]

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.