Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows are frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?
Just then, an elderly woman asked, "What's the matter?"
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the women. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
........Wait for it.....it is worth it........
"That was Thora Hird."

[vetran]

My old dad always said to me "before you marry a girl, find out what her mother is like."

The wedding is off.

I asked my future mother in law if she swallows or takes it up the tulipter and she threw me out the house.

[vetran]

There's a new craze taking off which involves inhaling laughing gas whilst having sex.

It's called a Jolly Roger

[vetran]

Do you know about the new pen that writes underwater

It writes other words too

[vetran]

I saw two dwarf prostitutes standing on the corner of my street earlier.

I didn't want to be rude, so acknowledged them with - 'Hi ho, hi ho'.

[vetran]

My girlfriend NLYUK stormed in holding a pair of knickers and said "Erm, excuse me, what the **** are these?"..

I said "Er, a pair of knickers"..

"Oh, right, I've never seen them before"

[vetran]

whats grey, square, sits and the end of your bed and takes the pisss?

kidney dialysis machine

[vetran]

Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no ******* clue about what the hell he's done wrong.

[vetran]

My missus gives me "benefit sex".

It's a little bit once a month but not enough to live on.

[vetran]

My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection.

I bought her diet-pills.