Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

Paddy walks into Greggs and asks, "how much are your sausage rolls?"
"They're 2 for 99p," replies the assistant.
"And how much for just one?" enquires Paddy.
"69p" comes the reply.
"Ah, I'll take the other one then."

[shaunbhoy]

UP AND COMING Bands. Get free advertising by calling yourselves "Missing cat"

[LondonManc]

Crazy woman near my kid's school. Calls herself a lollipop woman then gets all upset when you try to lick her.

[vetran]

Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a '******* ****'. Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

[vetran]

Some people see images of our lord and saviour in their toast. Some see him in the clouds. Now it seems to be in toilets. Every time I go to the toilet I always hear the person who goes into after me say, "Jesus Christ".

[vetran]

17 Americans have been killed by furniture last year. Only 4 have been killed by ISIS.

So the Yanks are going to bomb IKEA.

[vetran]

They say Mexicans are bordering on the insane. So what? So are the Canadians.

[shaunbhoy]

Jamie Oliver says there's "nothin worse in the world than an undercooked green bean"
I'll go out on a limb & say he doesn't watch the news

[LondonManc]

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. What kind of sneaky bitch puts chloroform in her dirty knickers?

[BrilloPad]

A man and a woman go into a lift. The man asks "can I smell your pussy?". The woman replies "OF COURSE NOT!". The man says "Must be your feet then".