Please put more jokes here

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I'm a considerate lover

When I make love to my girlfriend, I don’t tell my wife.

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Sasguru works for the samaritans.

"You're fired Dave, i can no longer let you work on the suicide hotline"
"Why? did i get many complaints?"
"Well, not exactly...."

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Anyone who thinks women aren't funny is an idiot. Two of my favourite comedians of the last 25 years have been Lily Savage and Dame Edna Everage

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drunk thunk

Newest Joke
A pedophile walks through the woods with a child. The child says, “These woods are scary.” The pedophile says, “Tell me about it. I have to walk back through here alone.”
2
Joke added about 7 minutes ago by enod in Events > Birthdays
I accidentally shouted the wrong name during sex.

Apparently it's "Cocker Spaniel" not "Springer Spaniel".
-1
Joke added about 17 minutes ago by tomboy in Sex and tulip > Beastiality
I was asked to run a marathon for charity . I said, "No chance."
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought, "**** it. I could win that!"
6
Joke added about 28 minutes ago by Runner in Illness and Mortality > Blindness
If ever I come into money,I'll buy a racehorse and call it "MY FACE".
Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!
5
Joke added about 38 minutes ago by JOCKEY in Other > Random
A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is happy to see you?
4
Joke added about 53 minutes ago by DOGGY in Other > Animals
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a tulip."
0
Joke added about 57 minutes ago by grave in Religion > Bible
In the indian last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry okay sir", I said okay one song then **** off
3
Joke added about 1 hour ago by kary okay in Other > Wordplay
A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Susie's chair.
"Ah, Susie, why didn't you put your hand up?"
"I did, Miss, but it just ran through me ******* fingers."
4
Joke added about 1 hour ago by susie in Other > Children
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh tulip.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

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After my examination the doctor said to me, "Do you run much?"

I said, "Only out of patience, ****s and money."

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I used to have nightmares that Donald Trump might become President.

Now I have nightmares about waking up.

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For our lottery winners

If ever I win lots of money,I'll buy a racehorse and call it "MY FACE".








Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!

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I read about a fellow who overdosed on Indian spices the other day.

Apparently he spent a month in a korma

[vetran]

Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise on the bush tucker survival.




Apparently she has managed to live off one dead Beatle for 36 years.