Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

A bloke is driving home late one night when he sees a woman standing n the road, waving her arms about. He stops for her and she says that she has been out walking and it got dark, could she just have a lift. After a short while she looks over at him and says, "Would you mind pulling into the next lay by and showing me that you are a man?"

He is stunned by this but does as asked and spends an hour in the back with her getting some serious excercise and satisfying her womanly urges.

They restart their journey but after a few minutes she says, "That was just great, but can you do it again? I have so much passion, I need you again!!" They stop again and he tries very hard to satisfy her again for about 5 minutes.

They get started down the road again and she starts to ask again but he interupts and says, "Look, I will give it another go, but I need a drink first."

He pulls into the next pub and under her instruction, pulls into the darkest part of the car park. She says ,"Don't be long. I will be waiting for you."

He goes into the pub and starts sinking pints like they are going out of fashion. The barman asks him why he seems so uptight and he explains the situation.

The bar man asks, "So she is out ther now, waiting for you to get into the back of your car and give her some loving?"

"Yep," he answers.

The bar man leaves a bottle of whisky on the bar and says, "I am about your build, help yourself to any drinks, I will sort her out for you." and then, borrowing the strangers coat for disguise, disappears out into the car park and quickly gets into the car to find a very passionate woman awaiting him.

After about ten minutes a tap on the window followed by a torch beam interupts them.

The bar man winds down the window to see a young copper who askes, "What all this 'ere then?"

The bar man replies, "This is my pub, my car park and I am making love in this car to my wife, so what is it to you?"

The young copper repiles, "Sorry sir, I didn't realise it was your wife," to wit the bar man says, "Neither did I until you shone that f****** torch through the window!"

[vetran]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic
exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and
cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and
crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves
with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring
with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar
bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the
charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim;
well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken
by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you
five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and
turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are
awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in
bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,
alright, I'm a *******' rabbit!"

[vetran]

A man walked into the greengrocery section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half
a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence,he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[vetran]

Grand Prix halted; police pull over Lewis Hamilton for ‘having a flash car’
It has emerged that Britain’s new motor racing hero Lewis Hamilton only failed to win last weekend’s race following an intervention from a police control car that pulled over the young black driver as he was speeding towards the winning post at 120 miles an hour.
Lewis Hamilton was leading the pack when he became aware of a flashing blue light behind him. Imagining there must have been some sort of accident or fire, he pulled into the pits, where he saw two police officers slowly emerge from their panda car and put on their caps as the other cars sped past.
The British police officers apparently greeted the Formula One star by saying ‘This is a bit of a flash car isn’t it, Sonny?’ adding ‘How do you afford this then? Selling a bit of ganja on the side are we?’



When Hamilton admitted that the car was not his own but belonged to the McLaren Formula One team, the police demanded his insurance details and driving license which Hamilton was forced to admit he did not have on him at the time. He was then forced to wait several minutes while the police radio-ed back to check that no McLaren Mercedes V8 Formula One cars had been stolen in the area, after which they grudgingly let him go on his way. Although he still managed to finish as runner-up, this is the third time that Hamilton has experienced hassle from the police patrol cars, including one occasion when they suggested that he wouldn’t get much work as a mini-cab driver in a one-seater car.


Now Team McLaren have announced that for the next British Grand Prix in July, Britain’s first black Formula One hopeful will drive a 1992 Nissan Sunny with a bent coat hanger for a radio aerial and a sticker in the back saying ‘Radio Jackie’. ‘The alternative is to build a much bigger car and put a rich-looking businessman in the back. That way the police will just presume he must be some sort of chauffer.’
The policeman concerned were not available for comment, as they were pre-occupied with an intruder they had apprehended at Wentworth Golf club. Apparently he claimed to call himself ‘Tiger.’

[vetran]

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish chap replied, "I know the guy."

[vetran]

rather fun

trafficlightwars.co.uk

[vetran]

I have just heard that the Ulley resevoir is in trouble again as a Muslim has driven a lorry into the rataining wall.

Good news though, the Police have been informed that it is NOT a terrorist atack, it is merely the start of Ramadam.

[vetran]

What is the difference between going down on a women and getting caught by a speed camera?

At least when going down on a woman you get to see the tw*t behind the bush!

[vetran]

Santa is looking outta the window shaking his head... His wife says "what's up honey? more snow?"..... "No... looks like reindeer!"

[vetran]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.