Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."

[vetran]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

[vetran]

Yo momma's MF's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

[vetran]

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

[SimonMac]

Teacher: Whats the longest word you know?
Pupil 1: Miles
Pupil 2: Elephant
Pupil 3: Masturbation
Teacher: That's quite a mouthful
Pupil 3: No Miss, that's a blowjob

[vetran]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[vetran]

One for MF

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

[LondonManc]

The next door neighbour came round in a rage. "Your lad has been playing doctors and nurses with my Jessica." "Well," I said, "they do get curious at that age." "Curious? He's just taken her f**king appendix out!"

[LondonManc]

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices for easy data access, the other is a hardware standard.

[BrilloPad]

The 12 funniest quotes about marriage

. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner

2. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.”
Sigmund Freud

3. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
Jerry Seinfeld


4. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
Ogden Nash

5. “Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?”
Groucho Marx

6. “No! Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids – eat them!”
Homer Simpson

7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Socrates

8. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.”
Oscar Wilde

9. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
Billy Connolly

10. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
Prince Philip

11. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
Ann Bancroft

12. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
Mickey Rooney

My favourite highlighted