Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

My girlfriend and I are atheists. She has a whole story about why she's an atheist too, despite growing up in a very religious catholic household. Her parents used to sleep underneath this enormous cross and prayed to it every night. One day, however, there was a bad storm in her neighbourhood and the cross fell on her parents, killing them in their sleep.

I don't have a story for being an atheist, I'm just smart.

[vetran]

Things have to be bad for Labour when even the cheese eating surrender monkeys point at Corbyn and say "Le Coward"...

[vetran]

Celtic fans have been asked not to use the Istanbul metro when they play Fenerbahce next week.

Apparently it already smells bad enough without a load of drunken jocks contaminating it any further.

[vetran]

I rang up work this morning..

"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."

"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," the receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself."

[vetran]

So Japan is to resume hunting for whales.
I'll make it easy for them.
Get on a plane, fly to Manchester airport then get a cab and follow the M56 westbound all the way and it's there.

[vetran]

The older you get, Christmas is a lot like sex.

You get less and less and it's generally disappointing.

[vetran]

So this bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I wanted shares in his Partridge and Pheasant Company, I thought hello what's his game.

[vetran]

I was given one of those Fat-shaming cards on the tube today and let me tell you first hand, they do not taste good.

[vetran]

At long last they have found a cure for mental illness.

It seems all you have to do is murder thirteen prostitutes with a hammer and wait.

[vetran]

My friends were amazed when I told them I can tell the future using herbs.
"Is it true?" they asked
"Only thyme will tell," I replied.