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Please put more jokes here
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The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a ******* wand! What do I want with a ******* wand?"
"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."
"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"**** me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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ewwww
My girlfriend and I were enjoying a bit of oral sex last night. She was sucking me off while I was licking her out. The mood soured when she suddenly shat down my face.
"What the ****?" I cried.
"It's a seventy-one," she replied.
"A seventy-one?"
"Yeah, it's a sixty-nine plus a number two."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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How can you tell a male golfer from a female golfer?
By the hole in one!Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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You know how you can smack things to get them to work?
My wife and kids just sit there and cry.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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My wife said, "I'll do anything you want in bed tonight."
How the **** is she going to cook a curry on a quilt?Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Having gay parents must be ******* horrible. I mean, either you get twice the number of awful dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mum."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift.
I was staring at her boobs when she said "would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't existComment
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"I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David."
"On what grounds?"
"Pigamy."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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