Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

for certain posters

My son came home from school looking really sad today.

"I always get picked last for games," he moaned.

"That's probably because you're a fat lazy runt and can't run," I replied.

"But we were playing chess," he sighed.

[vetran]

for FLC

As I walked up to the counter in Asda with a full trolley full of ice cream, the shop assistant said to me.

"Wow, Is that all for you? Where the hell do you put it all?"

"In the freezer, mate," I replied.

[vetran]

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

[vetran]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[Alias]

I said to my mate in the pub ''Right I'm going to the cinema to see the fat and the furious'' he said 'Don't you mean the FAST and the furious?''
I said ''No my wife works there''

[vetran]

BBC News - Centuries-old stained glass cleaned at last

Wetherspoons must have finally bought a dish-washer!

[vetran]

I was stopped in the street by a woman collecting for Guide Dogs.

If I'm honest it was a bit of a struggle trying to fit the bone through the little slot.

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I thought it was a massive step towards reconciliation when Prince Charles shook the hand of Gerry Adams.

Went over the top a bit by offering Adams a free weekend break in Paris, courtesy of the Duke of Edinburgh, though.

[vetran]

My son thinks I'm a King.

He thought he walked in on me knighting Mummy earlier.

[vetran]

What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job?
A patchy gunship!