Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Did you hear about the shy Muslim?

He imploded.

[vetran]

I put some of that diesel stuff on yesterday hoping to impress the wife.

Judging by the look on her face smelling like a transit van isn't very erotic.

[vetran]

My daughter asked me if she could have a tablet for Christmas. She's going to get a big surprise; I've bought her a whole packet.

[vetran]

I'm not saying my wife is fat or anything, but I went on top last night and I'm now a member of the mile high club.

[vetran]

It was my wife's birthday last night so I decided to take her out for dinner.

"Wow, you still scrub up well" I said to her before we left.

Well I wasn't going to take her out before she'd done all the cleaning was I.

[ASB]

For Christmas, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother's just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f****d if I'm staying here by myself over Christmas with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike."

[vetran]

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
Bill Murray (September 21 1950-)

[eek]

**Putin arrives at airport, gets in line at customs**

Customs officer: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting!"

[vetran]

I've just found out my mums sister stars in porn movies for premature ejaculators..

Aunty Climax.

[vetran]

Some people buy a drinks fridge to store their beer.

I bought a Smeg fridge to store my cheese.