Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

The wife was on top last night, riding me, moaning..

"Mmmm, I'm calling you Cayenne from now on." She purred, "because you're hot, like the pepper."

"And I'm going to call you Butternut from now on." I replied.

"Because I'm sweet?"


"Because you're squashing me."

[vetran]

I stopped watching the History Channel because it's so outdated.

[vetran]

I was on a speed date and the girl asked, "what is your sex life like?"

I replied, "ambidextrous"

She said, "do you mean adventurous?"

I replied, "No, I like to swap hands!"

[vetran]

Think of religion like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu'ran comes out and it retcons like the last one never
happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the Messiah hasn't shown up yet.

Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Muslims think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much that they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of the series canon.

[vetran]

for KP

I went up to an assistant in Currys. "I want to buy one of those vacuum cleaners with a face on it, if you get my meaning," I said with a wink.

The assistant said, "Yes, we sell those. Would you like a Henry or a Hetty?"

I replied, "A Hetty, of course! What do you think I am, some kind of deviant?"

[vetran]

One for the ladies

My wife came home with a new pair of shoes,

"I've bought a pair of F**** me shoes, " she said,

"great, get them on and lets get upstairs, " I said,


"no, it's not those type, it's the type that are going to make you say, 'F**** me!' when you see the price, " she replied.

[vetran]

for the nerds

Before you marry someone you should let them use a computer with slow internet connection...just to see who they really are.

[vetran]

for the UKIPers

I don't know why some people criticise Britain's migration policy - we've managed to get both Piers Morgan and James Corden to **** off to America in the last couple of years.

[vetran]

KP again!

My hoover doesn't suck as well as it used to, it must have got married

[vetran]

I'm surprised that Katie Price's vagina hasn't been featured on George Clarke's amazing spaces.