Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

If you don't have a toilet, where do you put a Russian sh!t?

In a poo tin.

[vetran]

My wife posted a no make up selfie for breast cancer awareness.

Simon Pegg has just been in touch, offering her a lead role in Shaun of the Dead 2.

[vetran]

Turned my phone onto airplane mode 11 days ago and still no sign of it anywhere!

[vetran]

My blonde girlfriend has just been arrested for walking into Boots the Chemists, filling her pockets with Rimmel products and just walking out.


She heard it was a make-up free day.

[vetran]

I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral - they sang the hymn "All Things Gright And Geautikal!"

[vetran]

My wife is always nagging me to stop and ask for directions, but I refuse.


I can find her clit myself.

[vetran]

Watching the live transmission from The House of Commons today reminded me of the constipated Chancellor of The Exchequer.
He couldn't budget.

[vetran]

I took my best mate round to my house the other day.
My wife started screaming her head off at me while my mate just sat there and listened.
Where the **** have you been she said ive not had time to do my ****** hair and makeup, the dishes are still in the ****** sink, youve not walked the ****** dog, and dont think Im cooking you any ****** tea tonight
Finally she looks at my mate and says What the **** you brought him home for
Because hes thinking of getting married I replied

[vetran]

You can recognise if someone is having a stroke by asking yourself 3 simple questions..

1. Can the person smile?
2. Has their mouth or eye drooped?
3. Can the person speak clearly?

Well then, I guess Stallone is stuffed.

[vetran]

and one for Mich

My wife and I are on the verge of splitting up because of my obsession for rugby.

But I have decided to give it one last try.