Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I've found that alcohol affects my sex life.

If I ply women with enough of it, I sometimes actually have a sex life.

[vetran]

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

"Watch the ******* road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."


bonus

I was over the moon last night when getting in bed my wife said "you can do anything you want, mr."

So I went to sleep.

[vetran]

In a Primary school, the teacher was asking all the children to spell their names backwards to improve their spellings.

Poor Lana.

[vetran]

The waiter said, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

I said, "The same as sex with my wife."

He said, "Sorry, I don't know what you mean."

I said, "Rare."

[vetran]

I photographed myself stealing from Ikea earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

[vetran]

The skeleton of an early human has been found in Norfolk.

Scientists have managed to accurately date it to 1 million years old, thanks to the fact it only has five fingers on each hand.

[vetran]

What's blue and ****s pensioners?

Police officers involved in Operation Yewtree

[vetran]

Have you heard of 50 shades of red?


It's a period novel.

[vetran]

Doctors in Israel have officially ended their Ariel surveillance.

[BrilloPad]

The UK weather will no longer be referred to as UK weather as it offends muslims.

It will be partly Sunni weather but mostly sh'ite.