Please put more jokes here

[Alias]

A guy comes across an old lantern, so he picks it up, gives it a rub, and a genie is released.

"For setting me free, I grant you three wishes!" says the genie.

"I wished this had happened earlier", the guy says.

"Technically it has," states the genie. "Two wishes left."

The man proclaims, "I wish for a million wishes then!"

"Ha! Fool!" the genie scoffs. "You've wasted your second wish. It does not work that way!"

The guy replies, "Hmh. Well I wish that it did."

[eek]

View Profile: proggy - Contractor UK Bulletin Board

[Alias]

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender "have you seen my brother today?" and the bartender says "yeah" and the penguin goes "how could you tell?"

[Alias]

A mummy, covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...

[Alias]

Why did the prawn leave the nightclub early?

Because he pulled a mussel

[BrilloPad]

I once had a girlfriend who called me a paedophile.

I said to her "thats a big word for a ten year old".

[SimonMac]

I saw an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

[BrilloPad]

I'm on a diet of Viagra and prune juice at the moment.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

[BrilloPad]

David Cameron goes to the bank to withdraw cash. He is told he needs to prove his id. "But I am David Cameron - surely you recognize me". The teller said "for famous people we let them withdraw cash if they can prove their id. Usiain Bolt ran 100m in 9.9 seconds. Andrew Murray hit some smashes with his racket. Can you do anything to prove who you are?"

DC thought for a second then said "Sorry I can't think of anything I can do".

The teller said "perfect - how much do you want to withdraw?".

[ASB]

An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards.

As he flew through the air towards the monster's open mouth, he screamed, "Oh God, help me!"

Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air. A booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break," said the man. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"