Please put more jokes here

[DBA_bloke]

How do you turn a duck into a jazz muscician?


Put it in the microwave untill it's bill withers...

[ChimpMaster]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"


She answered


"THE TEETH."

[Swiss Tony]

old but good

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV &
Radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[FiveTimes]

A woman is given a hospital tour.
She looks in a room and sees a man masturbating.
"Thats awful" says the woman to the doctor. The doc explains that the man
has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast that he has to
do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain.

"Poor man" says the woman.

In the next room a nurse is giving a man a blow job.

"Explain that then?" she says to the doctor.

To which the doctor replies "Same condition but he's with BUPA!".

[TheFaQQer]

A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room, sees a man pulling himself off. "Thats awful" she says to a doctor. He explains that the man has a incurable condition. His testacles fill with seman so fast he has to do it 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain. "Poor man" says the woman.
In the next room a nurse is sucking the man off. "Explain that" she says to the doctor. The doctor says "Same condition, but he's with BUPA"

A woman is given a hospital tour.
She looks in a room and sees a man masturbating.
"Thats awful" says the woman to the doctor. The doc explains that the man
has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast that he has to
do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain.

"Poor man" says the woman.

In the next room a nurse is giving a man a blow job.

"Explain that then?" she says to the doctor.

To which the doctor replies "Same condition but he's with BUPA!".

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

[FiveTimes]

I've search for this one and it appears unique.

A man walks into a bar, he shouts across the bar to a group of lads - "I shagged your mum..."
The lads ingore him, so he shouts again "Up the ar$e as well".
They still ignored him, so he shouts a third time - "She sucked my cock too!"
One of the lads stands up and shouts back - "Go home dad, you're pis$ed"


I'll get my coat....

[shelby68]

A blond decides she's sick of people thick because of her hair colour so she dyes it black and goes out for a drive in her car,

She gets stopped by a farmer herding sheep across the road.

She asks the farmer "If I can guess how many sheep you have there, can I have one?"

The farmer agrees and she guesses correctly and loads the sheep into the back of her car,

The farmer then asks "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back"


bum bum, I'm here all week

[Money Money Money]

An Eskimo is driving through Wales and he breaks down, so he calls out the RAC.


The RAC man gets there has a look at the car and says;



"ahh looks like you've blown a seal"


Defensively the Eskimo shouts

"So fuc*ng what, You **** sheep!”

[Money Money Money]

A women wakes up turns to her husband in bed and says:

"I had a wet dream about you last night"

aww did u? he says

"yeah dreamt u were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing!"

[Money Money Money]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the
street when a car pulled up
beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the
car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the
driver

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?"
quizzed the driver, still
rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered
the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a
bag of lollies", the
driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked
the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Skoda,
you ******* live with it."