Please put more jokes here

[ASB]

The two lesbians next door bought me a nice Rolex.

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch for my birthday.

[Emigre]

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved

twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office.

*He's using it as a ceiling fan.'*

[BrilloPad]

Did you hear about the hopeless golfer who’s also rubbish in bed?
It takes him 14 attempts to get it in the hole.



A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.
‘It’s my wife,’ laughed the man. ‘She’s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick! I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in five packets of condoms. And she doesn’t even have a penis!’


A recent survey of male students preferences towards women’s figures revealed that 12% of male students preferred thin legs, and that 14% preferred fat legs. Whilst the remainder preferred something in between.


Derek and Maria had been pen friends for quite a while and had fallen in love without meeting each other. When they finally met they decided to get married immediately. That night, in the honeymoon suite of a local hotel, Derek removed his trousers. Maria couldn’t help but gasp in surprise. ‘Oh, Derek,’ she cried. ‘What’s wrong with your knees? They’re so gnarled and twisted.’
‘I had kneasles as a boy,’ explained Derek.
Maria asked: ‘Don’t you mean measles?’
‘No,’ said Derek. ‘Kneasles.’
He pulled his socks off. Maria immediately let out a cry: ‘Your poor toes, Derek they’re all thick and bent.’
‘When I was a teenager I had Toelio,’ said Derek.
Maria frowned. ‘Don’t you mean Polio?’
Then Derek lowered his underpants. This time Maria let out a shriek: ‘Oh no, Derek, don’t tell me you had Smallcox, too!’

[TheFaQQer]

A recent survey of male students preferences towards women’s figures revealed that 12 % of male students preferred thin legs, and that 14% preferred fat legs. Whilst the remainder preferred something in between.

A recent survey of male students preferences towards women’s figures revealed that 12% of male students preferred thin legs, and that 14% preferred fat legs. Whilst the remainder preferred something in between.

There's an echo in here.....

A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.
‘It’s my wife,’ laughed the man. ‘She’s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick! I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in five packets of condoms and she doesn’t even have a penis!’

A simple man was sitting at the bar, chuckling into his pint of beer. Eventually the barman was so curious he came over to ask what was so funny.
‘It’s my wife,’ laughed the man. ‘She’s gone to Spain for a holiday, but she really is so thick! I watched her pack her suitcase and she put in five packets of condoms. And she doesn’t even have a penis!’

and here.....

[EternalOptimist]

Shower like a woman...
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.



Shower like a man...
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

[BrilloPad]

A man turns up for an audition at a local club. ‘You better not be a hypnotist,’ the club manager says to him. ‘They’re not welcome here.’
‘No, I’m a singer actually,’ the man replies. ‘Anyway, what’s wrong with hypnotists?’
‘We had one in last week,’ the club manager explains. ‘He put 100 members of the audience into a trance, then tripped over the microphone wire and shouted: ‘’Oh, crap!’’ And we’ve been cleaning up ever since.’

[HairyArsedBloke]

Economic News from the US:

Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours for the same money.

Rumours this side of the pond is that Holmes and Watson will soon be Holmes and Shawadiwadi.

[xoggoth]

Jokes. The only CUK light relief thingy worth bothering with.

[EternalOptimist]

There was this farmer right, and he owned a prize pig.
One day he won £200 with this pig at the agricultural show and he is chuffed to bits.
So he bungs the pig into the back seat of his land rover, and heads off back to the farm. The pig is rooting around on the back seat looking for food, as pigs do, when Suddenly it shoves its snout into the farmers pocket and swallows the £200.
The farmer is annoyed and desperate, so he pulls over and phones the vet. 'Give the pig something to make it throw up. Whisky is good, then shake it around or give it a thump'

So the farmer drives on a mile to the nearest pub.
'Pint of bitter please and a whisky for the pig'
'A whisky for the pig ????'

Everyone in the bar sits up, intrigued. Someone laughed outloud.

The farmer swigs his beer then forces the whisky into the pigs snout. The pig just looks at him. He pulls the pigs ear, nothing, he shakes the pigs back, nothing. He kicks the pig up the @rse. The pig goes 'barf' and a fifty pound note lands on the floor.

Everyone is stunned. 'Bejesus, shouts a drunken Irishman, tis a magic pig. I'll give you a thousand pounds for that pig'

The farmer turns to the bar, 'A pint of bitter and a whisky for the pig'

Same thing, beer, whisky, boot, barf, £50

'Bejesus and begorra I'll give you two thousand pounds for that pig'

'Done'. So the famer gets his two thousand pounds, the irshman says, 'four bottles of whisky sir, one for me, three for me magic pig.'
He gives the pig a shot, takes a running kick , barf , £50 comes flying out onto the pub floor.

So the farmer leaves with a big smile on his face, when he gets home and tells his wife, she laughs till the tears run down her face. The farmer laughs till he is fit to bust. They laugh all through the summer. Then, one sunday, the farmers wife comes downstairs to find that the farmer has laughed himself to death. She pick up the newspaper and reads the headline 'Irishman jailed for seven years for kicking a drunken pig to death'

[blacjac]

Jokes. The only CUK light relief thingy worth bothering with.

Ahem...
http://forums.contractoruk.com/light...1-one-day.html