Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
- Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
- Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!
Please put more jokes here
Collapse
X
Collapse
-
-
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to shag the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that."Wait, I still function!"Comment
-
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a tulipe.""Wait, I still function!"Comment
-
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into."Wait, I still function!"Comment
-
My girl friend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox."Wait, I still function!"Comment
-
Originally posted by Swiss Tony View PostI was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.Every Saint has a past, Every Sinner a future"
Originally Posted by Pogle
I wasnt really into men at the time - IYKWIM
HTHComment
-
A couple are at home in Liverpool. The husband is watching 'Advanced Calculus and Fermets theorem' on open university and the wife is sitting at the table writing a letter.
'How do you spell Daryl?' asks the wife
'Whe the heck is Daryl?' asks the husband getting a bit jealous
'No, no, it's not a bloke. I am writing to the council to complain about the mobile phone mast Daryl be built in our road' - says the wife.
'It's not Daryl yer daft bint. It's Worral'
(\__/)
(>'.'<)
("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to WorkComment
-
Q. How did Cinderella get pregnant?
A. She a Aladdin.
Q. Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one but you’re not sure why
Q. Why are jelly babies better than men?
A. They come in five different colours.
A man walked into a pub with a steering wheel placed between his legs. Astounded the landlord asked, ‘Why have you got that steering wheel between your legs?’
‘I don’t really know,’ said the man. ‘But it’s driving me nuts!’Comment
-
Two men aged 80 and 90 are sitting on their favourite park bench.
The 90-year-old has just finished his morning jog and isn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old is impressed and asks what gives him so much stamina.
"Well, I eat rye bread every day,' the 90-year-old replies. 'It keeps your energy levels high and gives you great staying power with the ladies.'
So on his way back home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
'Have you any rye bread?' he asks.
'Yes,' the assistant replies. 'We have a whole shelf of it.'
'I'll have five loaves,' he says.
'Five!' she gasps. 'By the time you get to the fifth, it'll be hard.'
'I can't believe it!' he splutters. 'Does everybody in the world know about this stuff but me?'Comment
-
A lion, a bear, and a pig are sitting round, talking..
The lion says: "When I roar the whole jungle shakes."
The bear says: "When I roar, the whole forest shakes."
The pig says: "SO WHAT! when I sneeze, the whole world tulips itself!"
---------------------
Mad Cow Disease: Named for my wife
Swine Flu: Named for her mother.Comment
Partners
- Home
- News & Features
- First Timers
- IR35 / S660 / BN66
- Employee Benefit Trusts
- Agency Workers Regulations
- MSC Legislation
- Limited Companies
- Dividends
- Umbrella Company
- VAT / Flat Rate VAT
- Job News & Guides
- Money News & Guides
- Guide to Contracts
- Successful Contracting
- Contracting Overseas
- Contractor Calculators
- MVL
- Contractor Expenses
Advertisers
Contractor Services
CUK News
- Streamline Your Retirement with iSIPP: A Solution for Contractor Pensions Sep 1 09:13
- Making the most of pension lump sums: overview for contractors Sep 1 08:36
- Umbrella company tribunal cases are opening up; are your wages subject to unlawful deductions, too? Aug 31 08:38
- Contractors, relabelling 'labour' as 'services' to appear 'fully contracted out' won't dupe IR35 inspectors Aug 31 08:30
- How often does HMRC check tax returns? Aug 30 08:27
- Work-life balance as an IT contractor: 5 top tips from a tech recruiter Aug 30 08:20
- Autumn Statement 2023 tipped to prioritise mental health, in a boost for UK workplaces Aug 29 08:33
- Final reminder for contractors to respond to the umbrella consultation (closing today) Aug 29 08:09
- Top 5 most in demand cyber security contract roles Aug 25 08:38
- Changes to the right to request flexible working are incoming, but how will contractors be affected? Aug 24 08:25
Comment