Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Three students doing a psychiatry lesson.

The first student was asked ... "What is the opposite of joy?" She said .."sorrow"

The second student was asked ... "What is the opposite of depression?" ... He said "happiness"

Then Paddy was asked ... "What's the opposite of woe?"
He replied ..."Giddy up"

[BrilloPad]

A man comes home from work at the pickle factory one day with a confession for his wife.

'I had the urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer.'

His wife told him to see a therapist.

The man said he would be too embarrassed and vowed to overcome it on his own. Weeks later the man came home ashen.

'What's wrong?' asked his wife.

'I got fired'

'What happened to the pickle slicer?'

'She got fired too.'

[BrilloPad]

Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[zara_backdog]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out.

The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

[TCL]

Serving suggestions: read in the style of Tommy Cooper.



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Money Money Money]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Money Money Money]

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have some of that Weetabix tulip !"
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*****g Weetabix!"

[Money Money Money]

Man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend.

Man shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this you will lose ALL your friends!"

[Money Money Money]

Medical tales:

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in Israel is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said, 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours’.

[Money Money Money]

A dad is in a restaurant with his son. The young man is demonstrating how he can catch a pound coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air.

Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes He has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the mall.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, The father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've Never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies," I work for the Inland Revenue."