Please put more jokes here

[voodooflux]

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a
bondage magazine hidden under the bed.

She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should
do.

After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

[voodooflux]

Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight" to which his wife responds "why don't you wear silver and come 2nd second for a change?"

[voodooflux]

I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for City Link, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.

[ChimpMaster]

Why can't a bicycle stand up on it's own?
Because it's too tired.


2 peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

[voodooflux]

Three Chinese men named Bu, Chu and Fu moved to the USA. They needed new names so they could fit in better. Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck and Fu.........









...........went back to China.

[ChimpMaster]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard.

[ChimpMaster]

A woman is checking out at a grocery store. The cashier looks at her items, a single package of kleenex, some cans of soup, ice cream, and a TV Guide.

The cashier asks "Oh, you must be single right?"

The woman reveals a flirtatious smile and says "How'd you guess, because of what I'm buying?"

The cashier says "No its because you're f****ing ugly"

[BrilloPad]

A woman's vegetable garden is growing well except the tomatoes won't ripen So she goes to her neighbour and says to him:
'Your tomatoes are really red and ripe, while mine are green. What can I do?'
'Well,' her neighbour replies, 'it may sound a bit crazy, but here's the solution. There's a full moon tonight. After dark, go out into your garden, take off all your clothes and dance around totally naked. The tomatoes will see you in the moonlight and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning, they'll all be red.'
That night the woman does as her neighbour instructed. Next day her neighbour asks her if it was a success.
'Yes and no,' she answers. 'The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are four inches longer.'

[Spacecadet]

Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.


He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!

[BrilloPad]

A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'What can I get you?' asked the barmaid. 'A pint please', the man grinned, 'and one for the road.'

1st housewife: To me, sex is like housekeeping money.
2nd housewife: How's that then?
1st housewife: Because I could never manage on what my husband gives me.