Please put more jokes here

[techno]

The Eleventh Husband

sorry if this has already been done but......



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be".

"Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me".

"Husband 3 was from Field Engineering & Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up".

"Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver".

"Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method".

"Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not".

"Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it".

"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it".

"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it".

"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was . . . God I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "HM Revenue & Customs" . . . this time I KNOW I'm going to get f**ked!

[voodooflux]

Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well for example, the other day my wife & I went to
Norwich & went into a shop. We were only in there for about 3 minutes.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said "Come on now, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us & continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me & started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket & put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now.

[BrilloPad]

An elderly lady totters into the chemist's and asks for Viagra pills for her husband. 'Could you cut them into quarters please?' she asks.

'Certainly,' the assistant says. 'But your husband won't be able to get a full erection if he only takes a quarter tablet.'

'I don't want him to have a full erection!' the old lady exclaims. 'Just sticking out enough to stop him peeing on his slippers.'

[BrilloPad]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.


A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.



Hic !


Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.


Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[EternalOptimist]

French marines.

http://vidsearch.myspace.com/index.c...deoID=15564034

[daviejones]

French marines.

http://vidsearch.myspace.com/index.c...deoID=15564034

Funniest thing I have seen in ages

[techno]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts: 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

[TheBigYinJames]

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

Deja-vu is when they change something in the Matrix.

[voodooflux]

Two young British men go to Amsterdam. Unsurprisingly, they go to the red light district. Big windows, prostitutes waiting for custom behind them, the famous red light district.

One of the men taps on a window and asks "How much?"

The prostitute working there recognises his accent and says "In your money...a thousand pounds."

The man is so surprised at the price that he just stands there, saying nothing. The prostitute turns away to smile at another potential customer.

The British man taps on the window again and says "Did you say a thousand pounds?"

The prostitute turns back to him and says "Yes. A thousand pounds".

"That's very expensive!"

"Well, it is double-glazed."

[voodooflux]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."