Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and
No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking
my answers."

[BrilloPad]

Do not read if you are squeamish...

CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York
emergency room complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the
woman's labia were pinned together with old safety
pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered
body of a chicken. The woman explained that she
inserted the chicken pieces,
convinced that they would grow into a baby.

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital
in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains.
X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch
long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a
decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the
womb and was never expelled from her body.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency
room covered in bloody restaurant towels.
The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that
evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to
administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act, she had an epileptic fit,
which caused her to clamp down on the man's
member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and
stabbed her in the head until she let go.

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
complaining of severe pain while trying to
remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out half way, but they always popped back in.
A nurse tried to help using a suction pump,
but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered that the man did not have his
contact lenses in at all. He had been trying
to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER
complained of green vines growing from her
vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato
trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly
remembered that she had inserted it two weeks
previously, because she thought that her
uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his penis. He complained that
his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife,
if was revealed that she had a surgical
needle left inside her after a recent
hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty
complaining of a permanent erection. He
admitted to doctors that while on holiday
in Cuba, he frequented many brothels,
and in one he was given some erectile
cream to keep him hard. He was told to use
it sparingly. However, since he was having
so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to casualty, all the
blood vessels in his penis were swollen and
his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors
could do nothing except prescribe painkillers,
and told him that it would return to
flaccidity in a few days. They also told him
to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because
it was going to be his last.

YUK!
A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept
returning to hospital with an infection
around her stomach (the hole where the tube from
her colostomy bag is inserted). There was also
a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it.
After eventually inquiring into her private
life, the doctors found out that she led an
active sex life. "And," she told them, "when
we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets
his kicks out of removing the bag and using
my stomach."

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple
discharge from her vagina. She thought it
might have something to do with the
diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her.
"I followed all the instructions to the
letter," she told her doctor, "and used it
with the jelly." When asked which kind
of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."

BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated
by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach.
While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the
man's chest. They had been breeding between
his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
feed further down his body.

CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London
clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful
pile would often hang down from the man's anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up
with an artillery shell. On this occasion,
the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove
it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb
disposal squad, who built a lead box around the
man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be
removed.

[BrilloPad]

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick
up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her
car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer
who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were
now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd
been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics,
who broke into the car because the doors were locked and
Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded
like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed
and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

[BrilloPad]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all the way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married!"
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to
be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want
to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them ... It's the
right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
be all grossed out!"
Theodore, age 8

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't
want to change no diapers ... Of course, if I did get
married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my
mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper changing."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE
WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness
and illness and diseases together."
Marlon, age 7

HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks
like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a
lot of sexy clothes ... Especially underwear that is red
and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8

GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try
more than one to find a live one."
Angie L., age 10

[BrilloPad]

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)


10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're ugly.)

[BrilloPad]

There are two newly wedded couples sunbathing on a virtually
deserted beach in the Caribbean. One husband says to the other
?So you just got married then??
2nd Husband: ?Yeah, and so far it is great?
They both look at each other knowingly. The two wives are
chatting and go off swimming together.
1st Husband: ?I bet I can shag my wife more times than you tonight.?
2nd Husband: ?No way man, I can keep my lady happy til dawn every
night!?
1st Husband: ?Ok then loverboy lets make it an official competition,
but we'll have to use some kind of code in front of the girls.?
2nd Husband: ? Alright, We'll spend our evening with our girls,
then at breakfast, order the amount of toast corresponding to
your number of shags.?
1st Husband: ?Its a deal?
AT BREAKFAST:
Waiter: ? What would you like for breakfast madam??
1st wife: ?A continental breakfast please with grapefruit.?
Waiter: ? And for you sir?
1st husband: ? A full English and....... 8 pieces of toast please?
The husbands look at each other and grin.
Waiter: ?Madam??
2nd Wife: ?I'd like a continental with a pot of tea please?
Waiter: ?Sir??
2nd Husband: ? A full English please.... and .......8 toasts please?
The two husbands chuckle slightly and the waiter turns to leave but is
interrupted by Husband No. 2. ?Oh and waiter, could you make two of
mine brown please??

[BrilloPad]

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
make.

The reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very
flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is
flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several
miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also
wants to make a confession. He said below his waist is just like a baby,
and if the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it's okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
and she also believed there are other things far more important than
sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as
a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the
guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked, "I told you before we got
married, why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was
just like a baby". The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

[BrilloPad]

BrilloPad 1,128
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 22
daviejones 21

and that is the end of my joke files

I will post other from time to time as I am sent them - or I might do an internet search.

[Pondlife]

Congrats. A quality effort sir.

[BrilloPad]

Congrats. A quality effort sir.

thank you kind Sir. I will try to keep this thread fluffed at least once a week.