Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had
6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir.
Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him
with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth
birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,
"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall
get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him
British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the
Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy.
Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied,
"Daddy, I would like a boat". Not wanting to do anything by
halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his
son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you
want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films
on". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him
MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite
Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan
took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all.
Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who had caught
#the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy
outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went
and bought him Citibank.

[BrilloPad]

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was
showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it
had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sir, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his workbench until
he found his most worn out magic wand. He then inserted it in the
gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade
came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is protected." After putting Guinevere in
the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and
every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[BrilloPad]

An Irish man walks into a bar holding a lump of turd in his hands and
he says to the barman: Look what I nearly trod in

[BrilloPad]

This morning I got up and whilst getting dressed my left testicle says
Peter Andre is just the greatest singer ever. Then my right testicle
says nah, nah, nah George Michael is a much better singer. And I
looked down and said youre talking bollocks.
************************************************** *******************
*
Bloke on phone: Im not coming in to work today, guv, Im sick.
Boss: Well...were short staffed. How sick are you really? Bloke:
Im not sure, but Im shagging the dog at the momen

************************************************** *******************
*
A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up.
The GP does and internal and says, My, youre looking pretty clean
these days The lesbian replies, I should be, I have a woman in
three times a week!

[BrilloPad]

A man takes his girlfriend to see the doctor because she has been
suffering with really bad chest pains. The doctor examines her and
then asks her to step outside while he speaks to her boyfriend alone.
The doctor looks quite solemn and says to the man: Well sir, your
girlfriend has acute angina. And the man replies: Yeah she has. And
her tits are pretty good as well!

[BrilloPad]

This bloke is walking along, and, guess what, he finds a little oil
lamp in the gutter. So he picks it, up, gives it a rub and out pops
the Genie. I grant you one wish He says. So the bloke thinks for a
while, and eventually requests that he is incredibly lucky for the
day. So be it says the genie, and disappears in a puff of smoke

So
hes walking along the road wishing he had some cash so that he could
go down to the bookies to test the theory out, when all of a sudden he
sees a spanking new £50 note in the gutter. how lucky he says to
himself as he sets off for the bookies. Having placed the whole £50
on
the nose on a 400-1 long shot he waits for the race. Eventually his
horse comes in second. What a shame. All of a sudden there is an
announcement - there has been a stewards enquiry and the winner has
been disqualified, making his horse the winner. How lucky - he thinks
to himself.

He decides to celebrate with a drink and wanders off to
his local. As he walks through the door hundreds of lights start
flashing and a siren is sounding. Congratulations sir says the
landlord you are our 1 millionth customer - free drinks for you all
night How lucky he thinks to himself. So he sits down with his mates
and tells them about the days events. None of them believe him so set
him a challenge. The Indian barmaid was sexy as hell, however none of
them had managed to bed her yet. That was his challenge.

So he goes up
to the Indian barmaid, starts chatting and they are getting on
superbly. Next thing he knows, hes give her a good seeing to in the
pub toilets thinking to himself how lucky. After a couple of minutes
he stops and she looks at him. look, Im sorry he says I know its a
religious thing, but I cant take my eyes off that red dot on your
forehead. Its ruining my concentration Dont worry she says, its
just a bit of paint - scratch it off OK. So he scratches off the
spot. **** me, Ive won a car!!

[BrilloPad]

Xmas party warning for all you girlies......
You know its time to go home when:
1.Your Imbruglia hairdo has turned into a Sally Webster ... and youve stopp
ed caring.
2.You have absolutely no idea where youre shoes are.
3.Billies Because We Want To seems like a really good tune.
4.You mistake a police car for a cab and shout obscenities when it doesnt
stop
for you.
5.Youve started having a row with yourself. Out loud.
6.Youve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies
lo
o because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum. And it was
wet
.
7.You bump into your mum on her way to work.
8.You keep dancing into people and youve fallen off the podium twice.
9.Theyve stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.
10.Youve been flashing your boobs at passers by.
11.Baby cham, Advocat or Taboo suddenly seem to be viable drink options.
12.You start crying.
13.You cant stop.
14.There are less than three hours before youre due to start work.
15.Youve found a deeper side to the office nerd.
16.The man youre copping off with is your boss.
17.The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing Relight
My
Fire become strangely overwhelming.
18.Youve forgotten where you live.
19.You seem to be seeing more of the toilet bowl than the dance floor.
20.Youve just sung Im horny, horny, horny, horny, ... to a passing police ma
n.
21.You notice that theres vomit on your dress and suspect that its yours.
22.Youve started to sound like Mariella Frostrup from the 60 fags youve
smoked
.
23.You keep missing your mouth with your drink.
24.You cant taste the gin in your gin and tonic.
25.You think youre in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
26.You tell your worst enemy that youve always loved her really.
27.The stairs take on the appearance of an Alton Towers theme slide.
28.Youve started offering oral pleasure to any male wholl listen.
29.You start every conversation with, Dont take this the wrong way but...
30.You fail to notice that the toilet lids down when you sit on it.
31.You challenge the doorman to an arm wrestling competition.
32.You have to be restrained from stage-diving from the top of the stairs.
33.Youre sitting on the floor. On your own.
34.You show your mates that girls can wee standing up if they really want
to.
35.You decide to audition for Stars in Their Eyes via the security cameras.
36.Your rediscover your childhood gymnastic skills.
37.You realise why you gave up gymnastics.
38.You think three blokes are chatting you up when theres actually only one.
39.Youve started doing your Pat Butcher impressions.
40.You drop your burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
41.The entire club has seen your pants.
42.Most of them against their will.
43.You cant see you own face to reapply you long gone make-up.

[BrilloPad]

HERES A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE GENTLEMEN....

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to
as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after youve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You dont miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever
agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find
out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had
sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight
in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think todays sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) I hope we can still be friends.
b) Im not in right now. Please leave a message after
the tone....
c) Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really are a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy,
youre still a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, call me up. Lets go
drinking.

[BrilloPad]

Peter joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman
notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: Sir,
did you call for me? Peter replies: No, what do you mean? She says:
You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I
give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she
then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Peter continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits
down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy
man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me? Peter replies: No, what
do you mean? The Huge Man: You must be new here; it is a rule that
when you fart,it implies you called for me. The huge man then
easily spins Peter around, bends him over the bench and has his
way with him. Peter rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted
by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you? Peter says:
Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining
fee. Receptionist: But Sir, youve only been here a couple of
hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
Peter replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks

[BrilloPad]

Following the success of Viagra, a famous British pharmaceutical company is
working to redress the balance:

MIRRORCILLIN - a 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to
four hours without pausing once
STOPPANAGGIN - gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their
spouse/boyfriend
COSMOPOLIRA - doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing
facts in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed
LOGICON - trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being
diverted into non-relevant postulates such as you dont love me anymore

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford
Fiesta into a space only 12 metres long, 54% in under 5 minutes
MAGNATACK - uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much
larger than in reality. No use for this drug has yet been found...
WARDROBIA - clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug
can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit
limits
BEERINTULIN - engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend
alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports