Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog
says,"Hi, what's your name?" The loan officer says, "My name is Patricia

Mack. Can I help you?" The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to
borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. She
says, "Okay, what's your name? The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The
loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?" The frog
says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do
you have any collateral?" The frog hands the loan officer a pink
ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do? The loan officer says,
"Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The
frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me." The loan officer
goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog
out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he
has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what
it is." The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Mack, give the
frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[BrilloPad]

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they
were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile
accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being
escorted in by St.Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the
prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance
and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the
opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for
people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of
anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to
talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an
appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated
the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you
what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back
and we will talk about it again."

Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you
must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten
years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time
the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m.,
we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception
will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and
Noah showed up with a horse drawn carriage. But, you guessed it,
the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had
made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one
another.

So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this
time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord
heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten
years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how
long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[BrilloPad]

Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist?
Because you could fit in another pair of tits there!

[BrilloPad]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed,
laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, attoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave,ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, knowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip,
embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I
die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Blow job.

[BrilloPad]

Subject: Q & A time


Q: What is the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
A: Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.

Q: What is the difference between a girls track team and a bunch of
pygmies?
A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.

Q: What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom.
A: The pick-pocket snatches watches.

Q: What is the difference between a woman going to church and a woman
taking a bath.
A: The woman going to church has hope in her soul.

Q: Why are guys so smart and girls so talkative?
A: Because guys have two heads and girls have four lips.

[BrilloPad]

Three women had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the
early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night
before.
The first girl claims she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I
blew chunks."
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says:
"Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[BrilloPad]

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I
think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World
Records and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that
you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I
think I'll go with you and try to get into the record
book, too!"

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because
I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness
Book of World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is
gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the
smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out
very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so
long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with
a rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is XXXXXXX!?!!" (Enter name of choice here instead of XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Second thoughts - Nah)

[BrilloPad]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The
cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."

[BrilloPad]

True story found in the "West Australian":

An inmate of a lunatic asylum started an affair with one of the
cleaning staff. Once he had gained her confidence they got very
amorous and after one particularly satisfying bout of lovemaking
he stole her keys and used them to escape. The headline in the
newspaper the next day read, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."

[BrilloPad]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after
several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition
could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you!