As useful as a ...

[Diver]

... as a permie

Oy!

Permies are people too you know!

Besides, my co has laid off all the contractors

[Pinto]

As useful as side pockets on a cow.

[darmstadt]

Used to be for sale in Motorcycle News. Also, spliff holders.

I had one of them. It was like a wooden tube which unscrewed and you put your 'roll-up' into it and it was meant to stay alight. Useless it was...

[Zippy]

tits on a bull

[Diver]

tits on a bull

Boar

[Clippy]

a Dim Prawn.

[OwlHoot]

I'm trying to think of an alternative phrase for "As useful as a chocolate teapot."

Any good uns?

concrete parachute

[SantaClaus]

Pork pie in a synagogue

I can better that...

As useful as:

The Pope at a barmitzvah.

[lukemg]

....an aspirin canoe

[Papa Maji wa Maji]

............as a pair of glasses on a one-eared bloke