Divorce / Spousal Maintenance

[tractor]

..

Like many, I have been where you are. It sucks.

The best advice has already been given here. Fall off the radar and do it now. New co, new digs, make sure your cash is tied up in the new co. Always run your personal account in overdraft. ALWAYS. The bigger overdraft the better.

Stop talking to the CSA. Now. Don't reply to anything from her, her lawyers, the CSA, anyone UNTIL you are compelled to do so by a court. That will be nigh on impossible if you are off the radar. If they catch up with your newco, change it. Right away.

Make sure she is aware that you are mad as hell. Do nothing in writing though. Make sure she knows that if she doesn't back off and become reasonable, you will down tools and she will get 25% of your JSA - FOREVER. Make sure she realises that if you have no money, her weekends off and shopping trips with the new bf will be severely curtailed. You don't have to mean any of this - you simply have to make her believe that you do.

Once you are off the radar, you don't have to fall short on your responsibilities to your kids. Don't give her the money for school uniforms etc. Take them shopping and buy it all for them. She and the bf can't drink trousers, skirts and pencils.

At some point, even the thickest will come to realise they are best off not killing the golden goose.

When I embarked on this route I had all the vindictive tulip like 'You'll never see the kids again'. She never made good on the promise because every Friday soon as the pub opened, the kids would be on the phone saying 'Mum said what time are you picking us up' lol. I soon got to realise how to take advantage. As time went on, it would be 'are you having us for next week, cos mum wants to go to Majawka with her new bf'. When I initially got the threats, I thought she meant it and had a lot of sleepless night. That soon changed with the reality.

You don't have to be unreasonable with the amount of maintenance that you give her. Once she gets NOTHING for a few weeks and realises how it COULD be, you can make an arrangement that will be acceptable to you.

My nightmare ended a few years ago now, once the kids had grown. They have kids of their own now. In all the time this was going on for me, it was two years before the CSA gave up and went for easier fodder but I still ran overdrawn, I had to change myco 3 times over 10 years. My kids didn't want for anything really. I enjoyed a good relationship with them then as I do now. The overriding priority is to keep them out of it.

Don't give up. It sucks but it's not a lost cause, you can beat the problem but you have to get tough with her. The ultimate loss for her and her bf is if you stop being their cash cow. Play on it. Make that possibility real for them. They will change their tune quick enough.

If they don't, then make good on your threat. Get a job packing. Rent local. Get rid of the stress for a while. See your kids more. Improve your quality of life.

A year or two later, pick it all up again, but do NOT get on the radar.

I hope it works out for you.

[StopTheEarthIwantToGetOff]

I agree with everything you have said. But the vast majority of men bring it on themselves. Women are far better communicators than men. One day women will work out how to get eggs to grow without needing sperm and then men will become extinct.

Stupid off topic comment alert!

[DonkeyRhubarb]

Slightly off topic but would the offshore loan schemes foil the CSA?

With these arrangements, you receive a small salary which is taxable. The remainder is provided as a loan which is not income and therefore not taxable.

Yes they are a bit dodgy but needs must when the devil drives.

[tractor]

..

Slightly off topic but would the offshore loan schemes foil the CSA?

With these arrangements, you receive a small salary which is taxable. The remainder is provided as a loan which is not income and therefore not taxable.

Yes they are a bit dodgy but needs must when the devil drives.

Reducing one risk whilst opening yourself up to another is not a good way to go IMHO. You could easily end up with a 'perfect storm' and be completely up the creek.

[Support Monkey]

Like many, I have been where you are. It sucks.

The best advice has already been given here. Fall off the radar and do it now. New co, new digs, make sure your cash is tied up in the new co. Always run your personal account in overdraft. ALWAYS. The bigger overdraft the better.

Stop talking to the CSA. Now. Don't reply to anything from her, her lawyers, the CSA, anyone UNTIL you are compelled to do so by a court. That will be nigh on impossible if you are off the radar. If they catch up with your newco, change it. Right away.

Make sure she is aware that you are mad as hell. Do nothing in writing though. Make sure she knows that if she doesn't back off and become reasonable, you will down tools and she will get 25% of your JSA - FOREVER. Make sure she realises that if you have no money, her weekends off and shopping trips with the new bf will be severely curtailed. You don't have to mean any of this - you simply have to make her believe that you do.

Once you are off the radar, you don't have to fall short on your responsibilities to your kids. Don't give her the money for school uniforms etc. Take them shopping and buy it all for them. She and the bf can't drink trousers, skirts and pencils.

At some point, even the thickest will come to realise they are best off not killing the golden goose.

When I embarked on this route I had all the vindictive tulip like 'You'll never see the kids again'. She never made good on the promise because every Friday soon as the pub opened, the kids would be on the phone saying 'Mum said what time are you picking us up' lol. I soon got to realise how to take advantage. As time went on, it would be 'are you having us for next week, cos mum wants to go to Majawka with her new bf'. When I initially got the threats, I thought she meant it and had a lot of sleepless night. That soon changed with the reality.

You don't have to be unreasonable with the amount of maintenance that you give her. Once she gets NOTHING for a few weeks and realises how it COULD be, you can make an arrangement that will be acceptable to you.

My nightmare ended a few years ago now, once the kids had grown. They have kids of their own now. In all the time this was going on for me, it was two years before the CSA gave up and went for easier fodder but I still ran overdrawn, I had to change myco 3 times over 10 years. My kids didn't want for anything really. I enjoyed a good relationship with them then as I do now. The overriding priority is to keep them out of it.

Don't give up. It sucks but it's not a lost cause, you can beat the problem but you have to get tough with her. The ultimate loss for her and her bf is if you stop being their cash cow. Play on it. Make that possibility real for them. They will change their tune quick enough.

If they don't, then make good on your threat. Get a job packing. Rent local. Get rid of the stress for a while. See your kids more. Improve your quality of life.

A year or two later, pick it all up again, but do NOT get on the radar.

I hope it works out for you.

[prozak]

This is by far the scariest thread I have ever read on t'internet.

People seem to be suggesting that the CSA will determine my income even if that income really is just the company revenue - i.e. I pay myself low sal + dividends up to 40% tax rate. Is that right?

I think I've got to start working on a contingency plan (focus of my offshore company thread might change!)

[h8mmer]

This is by far the scariest thread I have ever read on t'internet.

People seem to be suggesting that the CSA will determine my income even if that income really is just the company revenue - i.e. I pay myself low sal + dividends up to 40% tax rate. Is that right?

I think I've got to start working on a contingency plan (focus of my offshore company thread might change!)

If this is the scariest thread you've read about divorce & child maintenance then you've not been looking very hard!
Go on any of the female centric forums and have a search, you'll be amazed at the vitriol spewed forth against ALL fathers, there is v.little recognition that its only some dads who don't pay for their kids. Any father who doesn't surrender all control, their happiness and right to a decent life to these sort of women are all lumped together as "deadbeatdads".
Any concept of fairness and being reasonable is thrown out of the window as they all egg each other on to screw their ex's into the ground.

Its not so much the CSA you have to be worried about (if you play clever), its if she takes you to independent CM tribunal which appoints a judge and a financial officer to review your business. So even if you play it entirely honest, abide by the CSA's own rules (HMRC rules are irrelevant btw in their decision making) in the end it all comes down to an arbitrary decision on what the judge thinks.

Also, I was reading the posts about how to get revenge on your ex. In my case I didn't bother even trying, I concentrated on my kids and getting on with my life. The upshot is I'm remarried, have a great relationship with my kids and am happy as a pig in muck.
The only downside is the baggage I have with a vindictive mentally ill ex who keeps coming after me but I put that down to the bitterness she must feel when she looks at my stable happy life. The way my life is now is what she thought she would be getting when she thought the grass was greener, ho hum - life is good...

[prozak]

If this is the scariest thread you've read about divorce & child maintenance then you've not been looking very hard!
Go on any of the female centric forums and have a search, you'll be amazed at the vitriol spewed forth against ALL fathers, there is v.little recognition that its only some dads who don't pay for their kids. Any father who doesn't surrender all control, their happiness and right to a decent life to these sort of women are all lumped together as "deadbeatdads".
Any concept of fairness and being reasonable is thrown out of the window as they all egg each other on to screw their ex's into the ground.

Its not so much the CSA you have to be worried about (if you play clever), its if she takes you to independent CM tribunal which appoints a judge and a financial officer to review your business. So even if you play it entirely honest, abide by the CSA's own rules (HMRC rules are irrelevant btw in their decision making) in the end it all comes down to an arbitrary decision on what the judge thinks.

Also, I was reading the posts about how to get revenge on your ex. In my case I didn't bother even trying, I concentrated on my kids and getting on with my life. The upshot is I'm remarried, have a great relationship with my kids and am happy as a pig in muck.
The only downside is the baggage I have with a vindictive mentally ill ex who keeps coming after me but I put that down to the bitterness she must feel when she looks at my stable happy life. The way my life is now is what she thought she would be getting when she thought the grass was greener, ho hum - life is good...

Well i don't go searching for such things..... so yeas I am naive.

I think I would stop working if it went to hell and the wife turned nasty. Or even better I'd return to the love of my life and work in yachting / sailing industry again earning minimum wage.

[domcobb180]

Slightly off topic but worth a read - targeted to the US market and I don't agree with it all but still some very valid points.... And note, prenups aren't binding in this Country and if they were, the next Labour Government could simply change that retrospectively...

Don’t Marry

[eek]

Could you not just make her a 25% share holder and pay her some of the money that way.

It would of course screw up all her benefit claims once the DHSS are informed but I don't think she would notice until it was too late.