Divorce: How to avoid being a permanent slave to ex?

[jj78]

Got a particularly thorny problem and need the wisdom of the crowd.

My brother is going through the most bitterly contested divorce you could ever imagine, and he needs suggestions on how to reduce the risk of being a slave to his ex for the rest of his life. He is a contractor, hence me posting here.

Their relationship was never great at the best of times. He married unwisely, and she spent every penny that he earnt, and more. She refused to go back to work after their son was born (he's now 12), ran up huge debts during the marriage, and has over doubled those debts with legal fees and other stuff since they split.

Every step of the divorce, she and her lawyer have disrupted things, massively increased costs and used every trick in the book to try and extract every penny from him.

He is a contractor so has a pretty good income but now has no money, no pension and is close to having to sell his crappy little home which has no equity, while she continues to live like a queen in the family home.

They appear to be close to agreeing a (reasonable) maintenance amount, with him talking on 100% of her massive debts. She is kicking off big time about this, as the lowish maintenance figure is will mean that she'll have to get a job and seriously curtail her spending, both of which she will fight tooth and nail against.

His worry now is that she will run up a new batch of huge debts over the next few months / years and take him back to court to increase the maintenance and make him pay off her debts again, and claim that she is unable to work and therefore he has to pay for her forever. And who knows what will happen if he gets into a new relationship with a woman who has her own career and money - the ex will no doubt go after her money too, and wreck his new relationship.


Anyway, after all that rambling, my question is what can he do to protect himself from permanent slavery and poverty?

All suggestions gratefully accepted from leaving the country at one extreme, to paying a few hundred pounds for some career training for her at the other extreme.

Thanks.

[BrilloPad]

You never really know someone until you divorce them.

Quite frankly I have little sympathy for you brother as there is no mention of children. Only money. Judging from your post there are children - and they should be the number one focus.

Women run circles round men in divorce as they communicate better. In 80% of cases with children it is probably for the best. Effectively women say "we should not be working - we are far better suited for child raising." If they want equality in the workplace, they need equality in the home.

It does not help that most men behave like doormats. They only get proper treatment when they grow a pair.

I also think this thread is way more suitable to general rather than A+L.

[AsISeeIt]

Well the law being the law its not just "her" he has to worry about. They have a son, 12, you say. That means her lawyer will stitch him up under Section 1 of the Children Act 1989 as well as the marriage laws. He will likely have to "provide a home" for them both until the son is 18 or 21 (and finished uni if in uni at 18)... whatever comes LATER unless, as they were married, he has to just give her a home forever.

Its likely he will get stitched with having to pay her legal fees (or 80% of them) and he owns a small flat you say? Well her lawyer is going to have a field day putting a charge on that property and preventing it be sold until she/her lawyer gets paid first.

I assume they had already disclosed their FORM E financial fillings which is all bank statements on all accounts worldwide for the last 12 months? Lets hope he has been up to date with all his taxes....

Your brother, in my opinion, doesn't have much choice. If he does anything "smart" now like selling his home and hiding the money or transferring to it parents etc the judge will "see through it" and nullify the transaction(s).

The only way to mitigate some of the damage I can see is to have as many expenses as he can (i.e. loans, mortgage etc) which will lower is available income and reduce the assets available for the Judge to give to her. Second, reduce income, which with a documented history of contracting may not be easy to show - he will have to show the income is not sustainable in the future... i.e. no more public contract roles, skills out of date, getting too old for it... and his only realistic option is to work in ALDI... or something like this ... (if it genuinely will be of course) and thirdly... try and be accommodating to show he is trying to make a reasonable settlement... if he has any chance to avoid her legal fees (as well as his own) the judge needs to be convinced she was unreasonable in racking up those costs...

I am sorry, but in this situation there is no "easy way out", he will just have to man up and hope for the best and then try and mitigate the end result after the vulture lawyers and barristers are out of the picture. I would say its probably a priority to get rid of those legal vultures as quick as possible. Oh.. they will end up getting you a final settlement at Court... but these slugs (on both sides) known exactly how much resources each side have and they will carry on this process like a little dance until they have extracted all they can.

When the other party is not reasonable and has not understanding of the value of resources and how this is going to impact everyone for years to come, you need to extract yourself from this process (with a resolution) as quick as possible. Don't feed into it and extend it out and out and out... ASK what they want to end it now (I bet they won't even say) COUNTER OFFER. (they will say no). Get it in front of a JUDGE as quick as possible. SHOW you were trying to be reasonable but you can't agree and you cant justify the ongoing legal expenses. GET THE JUDGE to make a settlement (which will likely be in the middle somewhere). Man up accept it, abide by the decision, and move on. You can then reduce maintenance later if you end up in lower paying job etc.

...if anyone else is in this situation or approaching it... it is vital you sort out YOUR finances 12 month BEFORE this divorce thing is triggered... MAX out the mortgage against any property you own, buy everything not obviously essential with cash (clearly earned and withdrawn from your bank account) so there will be no record of exactly what you spend you money, accept that lower paying job (because its all you can get...). Reduce your assets and sanitise any paper trails to any skeletons. Not at all saying you should buy non-traceable assets as that would be totally against the law if you were not to subsequently report your ownership of said assets in subsequent proceedings. And you lawyer is NOT your friend.

Good luck

p.s. I think he should have to reasonably pay his share and support his son. But unfortunately it can easy become totally unreasonable. MAKE A GENUINELY REASONABLE OFFER.

[SueEllen]

Your brother needs to get more involved with his son so he not only sees him at weekends but in the week. This means he may have to choose his contracts more carefully or it maybe worth him getting a permanent job.

If the father and son have a close enough relationship the son, being a teenager, can request to live with him full time or 50% of the time and can't have his wishes over ruled without good reason.

There are plenty of kids particularly teenagers who live with their fathers.

Anyway if this happens his ex- cannot go back to court and ask for higher maintenance, and your brother may even be able to go back and ask for the maintenance to be lowered.

[northernladuk]

Not really a professional contracting question. Can we move to General?

[Platypus]

If he's prepared for some hardship.

Quit contracting due to stress, get a lower paid job, sell his house to pay some debts, rent somewhere. Going bankrupt might be a good option, although to be fair that could ruin his chances of contracting again. He'll need some pretty hefty debts to go BR but it sounds like that might not be a problem in the near future.

Or, get a fellow contractor to hire him as a lowly employee. His billings go in to the company which he might be able to extract at some point in the future.

Basically, he needs to be much poorer now and for several years, to have so little that there's little for her to take, and no assets.

This is all nasty, but do-able.

Get clauses written in to the divorce papers that spousal maint stops if she re-marries.

Having said all that, I agree that the child should be the priority.

[BrilloPad]

Not really a professional contracting question. Can we move to General?

Did your accountant suggest that?

[MPwannadecentincome]

Sounds similar to what I went through.

Unfortunately you need 3 court hearings before judge can rule a final settlement. but lawyers are already rich by then.

My ex would not accept that final settlement. I think she has run down her share of the equity as fast as possible so that she can go back to court and claim she can't put a roof over the kid's head. If she does that I will simply tell the judge let me house the kids.

The maria mills case seems to show there is no escape. Except perhaps leaving the country but that's unfair on the kids.

[jj78]

The maria mills case seems to show there is no escape.

Yes, I read about that case too (Graham Mills told to up ex-wife's money after she spent it | Daily Mail Online). This is what has got my brother so worried. She can basically do whatever she wants, run up as much debt as she wants, safe in the knowledge that he will have to pick up the tab. Crazy unfair legal system.

Would be good if you are able to reply to this thread, or PM me, when/if your case gets sorted, if you don't mind?


Thanks for the tips everyone.

If he were to take a lower-paid job, would he have to supply evidence to the court of unsuccessful applications and responses for roles similar to his current one?

Women run circles round men in divorce as they communicate better.

If by that you mean screaming like a banshee until no one can take any more when she doesn't get her own way, then I suppose you are right.

[SueEllen]

Yes, I read about that case too (Graham Mills told to up ex-wife's money after she spent it | Daily Mail Online). This is what has got my brother so worried. She can basically do whatever she wants, run up as much debt as she wants, safe in the knowledge that he will have to pick up the tab. Crazy unfair legal system.

Would be good if you are able to reply to this thread, or PM me, when/if your case gets sorted, if you don't mind?


Thanks for the tips everyone.

If he were to take a lower-paid job, would he have to supply evidence to the court of unsuccessful applications and responses for roles similar to his current one?



If by that you mean screaming like a banshee until no one can take any more when she doesn't get her own way, then I suppose you are right.

Seriously it's not hard to screw up interviews.

Besides if the point of the lower paying job is to spend time with his child while he's growing up it's worth doing. After all she can work as well.