Reply to: Life is good when you dont have any kids

[shaunbhoy]

Not sure many people feel as I did, actually.

You may have been suffering from a bit of PND MP. Relatively common side effect. No long term damage though as far as I know.

[NotAllThere]

I didn't connect with my third-born for years. However, I have never regretted, not once, having any of my kids.

[d000hg]

Not sure many people feel as I did, actually.

But how would you know?!

[Cliphead]

Not sure many people feel as I did, actually.

You should have bought a puppy.

[MaryPoppins]

Actually that's exactly the kind of thing I was wondering about and makes you exactly the right person to ask... if more people knew it wasn't unheard of to feel that way I think everyone would be better off.

Not sure many people feel as I did, actually.

[d000hg]

Not sure I'm the best person to ask. I struggled to feel anything at all for approximately 12 months after he'd been born. I felt as though someone had forced me to look after this small being, that didn't seem associated with me at all.

Three and a bit years in, I feel completely different - but it took a lot. It's definitely very difficult to admit - everyone's happy to discuss how 'hard' the practical stuff is, but the emotional side certainly feels taboo.

Phew! Bit deep.

Actually that's exactly the kind of thing I was wondering about and makes you exactly the right person to ask... if more people knew it wasn't unheard of to feel that way I think everyone would be better off.

[MaryPoppins]

I dunno MP, you're the one with the knowledge here. You say you don't regret it but did you ever feel otherwise in the toughest bits, temporarily?

Not sure I'm the best person to ask. I struggled to feel anything at all for approximately 12 months after he'd been born. I felt as though someone had forced me to look after this small being, that didn't seem associated with me at all.

Three and a bit years in, I feel completely different - but it took a lot. It's definitely very difficult to admit - everyone's happy to discuss how 'hard' the practical stuff is, but the emotional side certainly feels taboo.

Phew! Bit deep.

[Harmonic]

Absolutely. And it's far better to tell new/expecting parents this can be the case, so they don't torture themselves when having their baby isn't a magical bed of roses and they think this means they've failed.

I agree. I've told any soon-to-be Dads that they can end up feeling like a spare part for the first six weeks as the new arrival just sleeps feeds and cries, especially if the baby's being breastfed. Then, just as you begin to wonder wtf you've let yourself in for, you get the first smile and everything feels so much better.

[d000hg]

I remember my ante-natal class, a couple from the previous classes came to talk about their experience, and the dad said it had taken him a couple of weeks to love the child. Very brave to admit to it.

Absolutely. And it's far better to tell new/expecting parents this can be the case, so they don't torture themselves when having their baby isn't a magical bed of roses and they think this means they've failed.

[Old Hack]

I'm sure some people do - but you don't admit it even to yourself.

I remember my ante-natal class, a couple from the previous classes came to talk about their experience, and the dad said it had taken him a couple of weeks to love the child. Very brave to admit to it.

I think it's common for men not to bond immediately with their offspring, but I'd find it hard to believe they didn't love the child.

[mudskipper]

Saying it's hard is one thing. Saying you wish you hadn't had the kid or you resent the child is definitely taboo but I'm sure lots of parents feel this at least once - in any other aspect of life that kind of relentlessness would lead you to snap - quit the job, run away from your husband, etc - but phoning your mum and saying "can you take the kid for a day or I don't know what I'm going to do" would take a LOT of guts.

I dunno MP, you're the one with the knowledge here. You say you don't regret it but did you ever feel otherwise in the toughest bits, temporarily?

Me and Mrs. d000hg know probably two couples well enough they might confess that kind of thing, and even then they are exceptional in feeling able to share such thoughts.

I'm sure some people do - but you don't admit it even to yourself.

I remember my ante-natal class, a couple from the previous classes came to talk about their experience, and the dad said it had taken him a couple of weeks to love the child. Very brave to admit to it.

[d000hg]

Is it? I've found the whole thing relentless, shattering, and frustrating. I still miss my old life at times, and at other times dunno how I'm going to get through the next week.

Saying it's hard is one thing. Saying you wish you hadn't had the kid or you resent the child is definitely taboo but I'm sure lots of parents feel this at least once - in any other aspect of life that kind of relentlessness would lead you to snap - quit the job, run away from your husband, etc - but phoning your mum and saying "can you take the kid for a day or I don't know what I'm going to do" would take a LOT of guts.

I dunno MP, you're the one with the knowledge here. You say you don't regret it but did you ever feel otherwise in the toughest bits, temporarily?

Me and Mrs. d000hg know probably two couples well enough they might confess that kind of thing, and even then they are exceptional in feeling able to share such thoughts.

[mudskipper]

I know what you mean. I felt (feel) I can't say that IRL, as it sounds awful. I can imagine it is much worse with an autistic child too.

I think most parents of toddlers can associate with relentless. Friend described being stuck on the sofa feeding her infant while her two year old climbed over her. It's suffocating.

[BrilloPad]

I know what you mean. I felt (feel) I can't say that IRL, as it sounds awful. I can imagine it is much worse with an autistic child too.

That can be an advantage. Baby BP wants to be left alone - that helps alot! Whatever attributes a child has one always worries.

Though Mrs BP is very upset tonight. He has just started reception. He has his own assistant to support him. But last 2 days he has been very very disruptive. We can't talk to him as he does not communicate. We assume its that he has realized this s his life now. He likes to argue and be disruptive - I wonder where he gets that from?

[mudskipper]

Is it? I've found the whole thing relentless, shattering, and frustrating. I still miss my old life at times, and at other times dunno how I'm going to get through the next week.

But oddly wouldn't change a thing.

They fry your brains these kids.

Would I change anything?

Wouldn't have had first so young, but that's different from saying I wish I hadn't.

Didn't have an adult life before kids, so starting to enjoy my freedom now they're getting older. Seems weird that my eldest is mid twenties, and my mates of a similar age to me have toddlers - definitely wouldn't want to do all that now.