Reply to: Sick jokes about tragedies

[MaryPoppins]

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?






Penis

I need to stop reading this thread, it's making me snigger.

[TheFaQQer]

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug!

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas!

[Pondlife]

A Rabbit walks in to a butchers shop and up to the counter;
Rabbit: Good Morning Mr Butcher. Can I have two lettuce leaves please?
Butcher: Sorry, this is a butchers, we only sell meat.
Rabbit: Ok, not to worry. Bye

Next day, Mr Rabbit goes in to the same butchers shop;
Rabbit: Good Morning Mr Butcher. Can I have two lettuce leaves please?
Butcher: I told you yesterday, we only sell meat.
Rabbit: Ok, not to worry. Bye

Next day, Mr Rabbit arrives at the butchers again;
Rabbit: Good Morning Mr Butcher. Can I have two lettuce leaves please?
Butcher: LOOK, No Lettuce only meat. P1ss off
Rabbit: Ok, not to worry. Bye

Next day, As previous, Mr Rabbit arrives at the butchers again;
Rabbit: Good Morning Mr Butcher. Can I have two lettuce leaves please?
Butcher: If you ask me that one more time I’m gonna take two nails and pin your fcking ears to my counter. P!SS OFF.
Rabbit: Ok, not to worry. Bye

Next day, like clockwork, Mr Rabbit enters the butchers shop.
Rabbit: Good Morning Mr Butcher. Do you have any nails today please?
Butcher: Erm no, why?
Rabbit: In that case, I’d like two lettuce leaves.


& Self

[shaunbhoy]

Horse walks into a pub and moseys up to the bar. Barman says "Why the long face?"

Why can't you get hold of asprins in the jungle? Cause the Parrots eat 'em all!

What do Essex girls put behind their ears to attract blokes? Their ankles!

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug!

[OwlHoot]

I love a good joke, sick or not.

On to the humour (or lack of).

::

One or two goodies in there, but some pretty lame ones too, including a couple that are baffling

A mate texted me yesterday from hospital.

Apparently the stupid twat accidently cooked and ate some daffodil bulbs instead of onions, and he's lucky to be alive.

But the doctors have told him he should be out in the spring.

[TheFaQQer]

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?






Penis

[hi_robb]

I love a good joke, sick or not.

I think it's something psychological with people in that telling a joke about something bad, instantly makes them realise their situation is not quite as bad as they think.

Anyway to cheer the forum up, here's a few of my jokes. However, I shall refrain with humour about recent tragedy for the present. Both out of respect and for fear of getting lynched :-)

On to the humour (or lack of).

Men, after sleeping with an American, boast by telling people you had a Yank last night.

I often ask my other half, "do you think we're schizophrenic?"

I just asked a German friend if they knew what the square root of 81 was? They said no!

I hear all The Arthritis Society's bank accounts are joint ones.

Someone hit me over the head with a power tool last night. Was minding my own business when Bosch.

Hitler wasn't just angry, he was fuhrerious.

Just got a job with excellent hours in a very small office of mutes. Mime to five.

I'm getting worried about the day I have to start drawing my pension. I'm not very artistic.

My drug dealer brought round the instructions on how he makes his cocaine yellow earlier. It was a diagram.

I know someone who dated Professor Brian Cox once. Apparently he was brilliant physically but there was no chemistry.

The wife's just introduced me to "The joy of sex". She's left me.

Bit disappointed with my Amazon Kindle order. How am I supposed to get a fire going with it?

I tried to buy a masonry drill earlier but none of the staff in B&Q knew the secret handshake.

Who here wants to play a game of rape? No? That's the spirit!

I've been trying to find the Greenwich Meridian and having no luck, so I'll try again later. In the meantime...

Recent claims of the discovery of the Higgs Boson Particle at the Large Hadron Collider, could be a con CERN.

Around here, anorexics are a bit thin on the ground.

Ashley Cole, when you were told to get some shooting practice in, I think you seriously misunderstood the instruction.

Are animators who use that "Linked In" website part of a cartoon network?

Someone has nicked a picture of my extended family. There's quite a few people in the frame.

'You can tell a lot about a person by their car.' For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

2 woman are having a bet how good their bladder control is. One was so confident, she bet her last Tena on winning.

Why don't cats shave? Because 8 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.

I saw a ginger girl buying a rape alarm today... I couldn't help but admire her optimism...

I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I am not leaving the same way.

Don't you hate it when you buy a bag of air and there's crisps inside it?

Right, that should do you lot and hope you enjoy.

Dave

[Wodewick]

Not everyone bombed lived in London though.

London?!?!
That was meant to be Plymouth!!

[SueEllen]

Gor blimey guv! Talk about 'avin a laarf -
Mee bleedin 'ouse got blaawn t tulip!
d'ere I were sittin in mee barf whena bleeding great doodle-bug landid
right d'ere on top o' mee bleedin 'ouse.
d'ere were smoke and tulip blow'n every where
Gercha! I fought - its mee bleedin barf night an I aint gettin aaut 'til I bleedin done!

Well mee mucker 'arry, eeed 'eard the bleedin fing go off, so ee was raand bangin on the bleedin door wunee?

"Oi Wodders" ee yell'd "you bleedin awright mate? Yer bleedin 'ouse 'as been blown ta tulip!!"

Well I aint seen 'arry for mumfs 'ad I, so I 'ad to bleedin see 'im din-I, so I jump't outa mee barf t see th' old iron.

an' d'ere we woz mee stark bollic nakid and mee old mucker 'arry the ginger an I fought aint tha' bleedin ironic....

Larf! Larf! Did wee larf!!............... Nah of course we fukin' didn' I just ad me fukin' 'ouse blown t' tulip an' was standin bollic nakid in the street whats t' fukin larf abaat?

Not everyone bombed lived in London though.

[Wodewick]

I bet in The Blitz people were still joking away.

Gor blimey guv! Talk about 'avin a laarf -
Mee bleedin 'ouse got blaawn t tulip!
d'ere I were sittin in mee barf whena bleeding great doodle-bug landid
right d'ere on top o' mee bleedin 'ouse.
d'ere were smoke and tulip blow'n every where
Gercha! I fought - its mee bleedin barf night an I aint gettin aaut 'til I bleedin done!

Well mee mucker 'arry, eeed 'eard the bleedin fing go off, so ee was raand bangin on the bleedin door wunee?

"Oi Wodders" ee yell'd "you bleedin awright mate? Yer bleedin 'ouse 'as been blown ta tulip!!"

Well I aint seen 'arry for mumfs 'ad I, so I 'ad to bleedin see 'im din-I, so I jump't outa mee barf t see th' old iron.

an' d'ere we woz mee stark bollic nakid and mee old mucker 'arry the ginger an I fought aint tha' bleedin ironic....

Larf! Larf! Did wee larf!!............... Nah of course we fukin' didn' I just ad me fukin' 'ouse blown t' tulip an' was standin bollic nakid in the street whats t' fukin larf abaat?

[EternalOptimist]

Lemonade factory in Japan has been hit by the Tsunami..... Over 40 people have been schwepped away!

[KentPhilip]

Was his name So Kin Vet?

I found a message in a bottle on the beach this morning. It was written in Japanese, and said "No milk today thank you"

Lemonade factory in Japan has been hit by the Tsunami..... Over 40 people have been schwepped away!

[Old Greg]

tulip tulip tulip

You don't have to break the work up

you write the word tulip, with a colon and either end ::

Try it

I thought it was a colon that usually had a tulip at either end of it.

[d000hg]

I know some unaffected people might need to 'turn to laughter' but are the people affected doing that?

I bet they are. Humour is a very powerful tool for coping with grief, loss and tragedy. It is one of the stereotypes of the British to make light of terrible situations they find themselves in, I bet in The Blitz people were still joking away.

[PRC1964]

How do you make a snooker table laugh?










Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.