Do you like movies about gladiators?

Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
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Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
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Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.
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Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
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Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
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Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my* policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
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Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts.
Frank: Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital.
Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
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Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
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Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
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Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!
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[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
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[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
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[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!
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Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank: So am I...
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[Drebin searches a drawer]
Frank: Bingo!
[pulls out a bingo card]
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[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.
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Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.
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Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
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Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
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[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
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Nurse #2: Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?
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Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
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Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
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Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
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[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
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Ed: You want to take a dinghy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
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Mayor Barkley: Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo...?
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Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Wilma Nordberg: [cries] Oh... Frank. This is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: ...Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma cries again]
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Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.
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Truck Driver: [shouts] Ya dumb broad!
Driving instructor: All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done.
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[in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us]
Frank: I knew it!
[Frank throws Gorbachev through a wall]
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Ed: [after Ludwig has been hit with a poison Dart, fallen off a building, run over by a car and a steam roller and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. It's so horrible!
Frank: [comforts Ed] I know...
Ed: My father went the same way...
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Jane: How about a rain check?
Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.
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Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Frank: You're both right.
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Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
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Det. Nordberg: Drugs... drugs...
Frank: Nurse! Get this man some drugs! Can't you see he's in pain?
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: Heroin, Frank! Heroin...
Frank: Uh... that's a pretty tall order, Nordberg. You'll have to give me a couple of days on that one.
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Thug: Drebin?
Frank: Yeah!
Thug: I got a message for you from Vincent Ludwig!
[Shoots gun at Drebin]
Thug: Take this, you son of a bitch!
Frank: I'm sorry. I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!