Cuts to the company budget

[d000hg]

<SIGH>
He's not, he exists and several people on here have met him, and shall be seeing him again on Friday

The person writing the posts exists, but the online persona can still be a sockie... are you saying all these stories are real?

[Platypus]

<SIGH>
He's not, he exists and several people on here have met him, and shall be seeing him again on Friday

Will his psycho GF let him out?

[Pogle]

Has anyone actually worked out whose sockie Wilmslow is?

<SIGH>
He's not, he exists and several people on here have met him, and shall be seeing him again on Friday

[ChimpMaster]

Has anyone actually worked out whose sockie Wilmslow is?

[Mich the Tester]

EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 1, 2010

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Toilet Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

1) Yes, I'm a contractor and I earn enough to not really give a stuff.

2) I do not waste money on crap like that.

3) Don't patronise me. Actually, do patronise me. I don't care. Either way, you pay the invoice.

4) Fine.

Sick days; I am a contractor. I am never sick.

Personal days; I am a contractor. **** off and do something useful, like scheduling my invoice in your bank payments.

Loo breaks; anyone using the word 'toilet' will be shot. Plebs.

Lunch break; Muscular people are allowed 2 hours for consumption of sufficient proteins and carbohydrates, the digestion of which shall be aided by red or white wine, at the discretion of said muscular person.

Thankyou for shutting up and paying.

[Wilmslow]

EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 1, 2010

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Toilet Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management