I know some will appreciate this...

[Fungus]

Is that in the imperative ?

Sausage is funny. The lad's sick. Nurse ... no not him you daft cow, me, I'm suffering from shock.

[Jabberwocky]

Cucumber my arse.

Is that in the imperative ?

[xodia]

Dicks turn green and look very similar to cucumbers after several years in a jar.

Xoggoth, would you like to explain to the board just how you know this...?

[xoggoth]

Cucumber my arse. It's his dick. She cut it off at the funeral and had it pickled. Dicks turn green and look very similar to cucumbers after several years in a jar. I had an uncle in law who won "Prize pickled marrow" at the Darly Agricultural Show for two years running with his late granny's knockers.

[cojak]

I'm sure my mother-in-law has a jar of gherkins older than that...

[threaded]

pickled cucumber

Widow says her cucumber lasts longer

A Croatian widow has submitted a pickled cucumber for a place as the world's oldest in the Guinness Book of Records.

Vera Dudas, 73, from Duga Resa, says the cucumber was pickled by her mother-in-law when her late husband was born in 1930.

She has now had the cucumber insured. She says it's her only reminder of her husband Pavao who would have turned 76 this year.

Vera said: "Unfortunately, the cucumber has survived longer than Pavao.

"I remember my entire married life when I look at that cucumber, it was with us everywhere we ever lived and through all our experiences - good and bad."