Reply to: School Bully

[Ivor Bigun]

Tony,
All IMO,
Well done for being a Fantastic Great Dad.
I guess you didn't expect to hear that on this forum
but I reckon you deserve it - a least once in a while
Just keep going mate - when you look back you'll realise that you and your son did OK even though you didn't think so at the time.

[NotAllThere]

Hmmmm...... a product of the private sector - Did it do you any good?

tbh, I was only there 'cos both my parents were teachers there, and I got a free place. I think it probably was helpful - I got a good education up to O level. But I chose to go back into the state system after that, and don't regret it at all. And it's left me with a lingering disdain for wishy-washy bleeding heart liberalism....

[NotAllThere]

If it's any comfort, we've encountered the same kind of attitude in Switzerland... and that's just with mild dyslexia! My wife is a teacher and she's horrified by what's going on at your son's school. Of course, if the government didn't require so much useless paperwork, the teachers might have more time... but the good ones make time.

[BoredBloke]

I think that is where James got the info from. He's quite thorough for an 11 year old. He's also checked them all and the one he's currently at to see their Ofsted status and what proportion go onto uni etc.

[Platypus]

I found this, but I'm sure you're already aware:

A list of special schools for blind and partially sighted children in the UK is available from the RNIB Education and Employment Network Centres. To obtain a copy, please contact the RNIB Helpline, telephone 0845 766 9999 or email EEinformation@rnib.org.uk

[Platypus]

Sheesh Tony, you must urgently seek a new school.

Easier said than done I know.

I wish I could add something more helpful, but honestly I'm lost for words at this dreadful situation.

[BoredBloke]

IMO, Tony is now has the following dilemma.
- Tell the child what is good for him - stick it out etc, the child cannot make the right decision.
- Listen to the child and believe that his decisions are sound ones and go with them.

I'm not going to tell him to stick it out - there are lots of other problems with the school. The support person he has had since he started school (he's 11 now) has gone on long term sick leave. She never wanted to do the high school part and we pointed this out in his last review only to be told that she would go where she was told. As we predicted she has gone off sick and the chances of her getting back are pretty much zero. The support he has been allocated flits between 2 to 3 people on a regular basis throughout the week - none of whom can read/write Braille. So when he gets homework through or work prepared for him in class it is usually wrong. The relationship between one of his support workers has completely broken down. It's obvious that she doesn't like James and from his point of view the feeling is mutual. We have brought James up to voice his opinions and that is what she doesn't seem to like.

We have had issues where the TA's have prevented him from asking the teachers when he doesn't understand things. He has to leave before the lessons end so that he avoids the crush in the school. So he misses the after class bit where you could ask the teacher a question.

He is prevented from going to any of the after school clubs because there would be nobody to support him. While I can see this from the schools point of view, it is hardly inclusive. Presumably this will be the same for school trips and holidays also.

He has a lunch time assistant has also decided that she doesn't want to work with James. Last week he was made to eat his lunch in the deputy heads office. When I asked him why he said they wouldn't tell him but he had to eat there all week. I called the school to find out why and was told that it was because he was eating with his fingers and his attitude was dismissive of her. When I explained that it is very difficult for totally blind people to eat using a knife and fork he started peddling back on that part of the argument. I asked why nobody had explained this to James he said that they didn't have time to do so and apologised - but nobody still bothered to explain this to him for the remainder of the week. I asked him for some examples of what he is supposed to have done to be sent home. He promised to send them but nothing was sent - I guess he left it on the bus or his dog ate them.

What I think has happened here is this

James is slow at eating - he can't see so he doesn't know where food is in relation to the end of his fork. If he is asked to hurry up he'll cheat and start to use his fingers. I think (and without finding out more from the school) what is happening is he is told to speed up, uses his fingers, she tells him to stop using his fingers which slows him down and then she tells him to speed up. And so it goes on. I can see why he becomes dismissive of her.

We have his review next month and I am working on documenting all the issues we have. Like how they have taken a kid who was at the top of his class academically and who enjoyed school and was a popular member of his primary school and turned him into a deeply unhappy kid who has no real friends to speak of and who now hates going to school. The deputy head is Steve Coogans brother and having him in a meeting is a chore in itself as he drives the meetings at 100mph and doesn't allow people to get a word in. My first point will be to stop him chairing it and have

[Ivor Bigun]

I went to a private school, and there was very little bullying. Any that did arise was stamped on hard, and there were suspensions and expulsions - even of super rich kids.

Mind you, the school ethos was bleeding heart liberal...

Hmmmm...... a product of the private sector - Did it do you any good?

[NotAllThere]

I went to a private school, and there was very little bullying. Any that did arise was stamped on hard, and there were suspensions and expulsions - even of super rich kids.

Mind you, the school ethos was bleeding heart liberal...

[Ivor Bigun]

Tony, good luck

Milan.

Milan, clearly you have no children of your own but inadvertantly, you reveal the nub of the problem and maybe the glimmer of an answer.

So that we ar clear. the person who is having the hard time is the child - not Tony and no offence is intended to you.

IMO, Tony is now has the following dilemma.
- Tell the child what is good for him - stick it out etc, the child cannot make the right decision.
- Listen to the child and believe that his decisions are sound ones and go with them.

I know what I would do - Most bullied kids wouldn't be able to say what they want......IMO, it shows good character for the child to express this opinion.

Tough call - I'd look at other schools. IMO, once its started, bullying never goes away.

[milanbenes]

Tony, good luck

Milan.

[Ivor Bigun]

I'm sure there's just as much -perhaps more- bullying at public schools. Those snobish types think they run the place because their father attended..and their father..and so on...

I'm not having my son get within a kilometre of a public school.

I've a fight on with the Mom over this one.

Be careful, IMO, bullying is rife in private schools.

Why?
- The best way to describe most private schools are that they are industrial schools - they are there like any business - to make money from the parents first.

- State sector schools can't be bought off like those in the private sector.
See the film "Scent of a Woman" for an example of what you're up against - that sort of thing really does happen in the private sector.
All it takes is money "donations" to be made. For this, "little Johnny" gets to be in the right places at the right time, and also for "benefit of the doubt" decisions to be awarded when in truth, the child should be expelled.
Of course, there is no direct link - The donation is done well before by the wealthy person. Thats the understanding - its an insurance policy.....
This technique is also used to get little johnny accepted into the school!

- Make no mistake, people who are very wealthy are usually very ruthless when it comes to the social side of things - If you dare to confront "little johnny", then EXCLUSION RULES.
This is both for the child (no party invites) and adults (no dinner parties or charity ball invites).

- Bullies survive and prosper in the private sector because it is tolerated and ignored. Usually, the bullying is not direct and so it is not seen as such.
Its mostly done by peer pressure.
- Not all kids are aware of the need to NOT be a victim - these are usually the "nice" kids. If your child cannot get to grips with being assertive and backing it up when needed - their life will be hell in a private school. Once they understand the "how not to be bullied" rules, they will be a kid that you, as a parent, may think "SH*T, what an uncaring brat"

- Without exception, the worst ones are usually from rich broken homes

Having said all that, I would say that from 7 to 11, definately go private. After 11, go secondary. The child gets the benefit of both sectors

[NotAllThere]

....

He's just blind, he's not a victim - make sure you teach him that...

top post

[SallyAnne]

Balls - spent the last hour reading all this and writing my reply - I thought it was all current!


Edit: And Cojak...special hugs for you

[SallyAnne]

Hi Tony,

There are different degrees of "bully" - bullies who tease, bullies who hit, bullies who hunt, and bullies who terrorise.

You can kind of forgive the first two, sometimes. Chalk them up as young foolish acts, possibly egged on by others. It doesn't make them wonderful human beings, but it doesn't chalk them up as evil either. And the kids on the receiving end will get over it - it actually CAN be charachter building for them.
An over-reaction from a parent to a "bully" like this will result in a child looking and feeling like a right prize tw*t. And shoudl be avoided.

However, the latter 2 types of bullying....the hunters and the terrorisers....they can destroy lives. They can haunt a child so much, that those ghosts never quite leave them.
They are the ones that cause kids to develop severe psycological problems, and in some cases, suicide. (Let alone the physical threats).
In this case, there is no such thing as over reaction.

Put yourself in the mind of a child who would go up to a blind kid and touch his face, let alone hit it - this isn't a normal kid. This is a mental case waiting to happen, and there isn't a strong enough way to react.

1) Primary focus is to find out who is doing it. It's a great idea to find a few alies in the school, pay them if necessary to ask around and keep an eye out. (No kids of friends at the same school?)
The CCTV is a great idea by the school too.

2) Next is to teach your kid to fight.
He must be absolutely sh*tting himself at all times, so get the sparring mat out, every night if needs be, and teach the kid to fight. He doesn't have to smack 7 bells of sh*t out of the bully...just learn to home in on where the bully's fingers are to pull back...or maybe learn where the bully's arm is to grab hold of and twist behind his back...or maybe just learn to home in on where thew bully must be standing, and use his stick to poke him in the nuts...
he needs to learn that he's not disabled - he has other senses to use. After all, it's not just about a school environment is it - you're teaching him life's lessons.

From there you could get him enrolled immediately in some sort of martial arts course? - teach him that his other senses will make him a better Warrior, etc.

He's just blind, he's not a victim - make sure you teach him that.


3) Next is to restore your kids happiness levels. Favourite meal/restaraunt/film/sport...whatever it is he loves, do it, and lots of it. The poor kid need to know that no matter what arseholes there are out in the real world, his home is a safe, warm, loving, fun, happy place - he needs to know how great his life is apart from this bully.


You are doing a great job Tony - it sounds like you've raised a great kid. Now you need to switch it round a bit and raise a great Man.