Reply to: The Company Song

[DaveB]

Yeah, but if you have to go to all that trouble you may as well spend a bit more than just buying people a drink on the company card. Maybe that’s how all this crap is justified.

In a SOX compliant environment that should all happen anyway. You spend the money, report the expenses, that information is correctly reported in the co's financial reports and the whole lot is stored and managed properly to ensure the figures can't be fiddled.

Even the example of the woman paying for her family and claiming it as expenses for staff entertainment could still be SOX compliant as long as the financial information involved was properly managed and secured and the fraud identified and reported as part of the SOX process.

[Mich the Tester]

As long as it's reported accurately and the underlying data is adequately protected and managed there's nowt wrong with it as far as SOX is concerned.

Yeah, but if you have to go to all that trouble you may as well spend a bit more than just buying people a drink on the company card. Maybe that’s how all this crap is justified.

[DaveB]

Ah, but that's not SOX compliant is it?

As long as it's reported accurately and the underlying data is adequately protected and managed there's nowt wrong with it as far as SOX is concerned.

[Ken Dodd]

Not bad altough a wee bit syrupy.

How about this ....

Up at eight, you can't be late

for Matthew & Son, he won't wait.

Watch them run down to platform one
And the eight-thirty train to Matthew & Son.

Matthew & Son, the work's never done, there's always something new.
The files in your head, you take them to bed, you're never ever through.
And they've been working all day, all day, all day!

There's a five minute break and that's all you take,
for a cup of cold coffee and a piece of cake.

Matthew & Son, the work's never done, there's always something new.
The files in your head, you take them to bed, you're never ever through.
And they've been working all day, all day, all day!

He's got people who've been working for fifty years
No one asks for more money cuz nobody dares
Even though they're pretty low and their rent's in arrears

Matthew & Son, Matthew & Son, Matthew & Son, Matthew & Son,
And they've been working all day, all day, all day!

I have seen Matthew and Son (the famous(?) duo) in Benidorm last year. If you watched the documentary (not the comedy) you will know who they are.

They are absolute s-h-y-t-e of the most amazing kind. When they told jokes that no-one laughed at, they actually shouted at the audience! the singing is crap, but they genuinely think they are better than they are.

Of course, this will mean nothing to you if you didn't catch the programme. FYI - also starring was a one-armed, one-legged singer who had a v attractive russian wife who duetted with him on Meatloaf tracks. I saw him too!!

Anyone want to come to Benidorm this year?

[realityhack]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most buttock clenchingly bad 'motivational' video ever:

http://video.google.com/googleplayer...00218&hl=en-GB

I was in the auditorium with a stinking hangover (as a permie) when they played this. There was silence. You could have heard a pin drop until the sniggering started.

The horror!

Good grief. I could never keep a straight face through that. I'd have to excuse myself and leave the room.

For the record, we had to stop our director from using M People's 'Proud' for the umpteenth time in an away day presentation. I suggested 'The Littlest Hobo' theme instead, they didn't go for it.

[Sausage Surprise]

As a civil servant back in the mid 90's we were assimilated by "an HP company". We had a "town hall" so that they could spout their mission statement and it was there that I witnessed the most awful, cringe-worthy, piece of crawly arsed, bum licking ever, when one of the ex civil servants performed a company song that he had written specially for the event

It think he got made redundant 2 years later.

[Doggy Styles]

At Christmas 2007, a client sent everyone on a chocolate-making course.

At Christmas 2008, my client sent us to a cheese and wine tasting evening at some sort of delicatessen off Baker Street.

Neither asked us to sing, although I think I did a bit later on.

[Mich the Tester]

What does big business not understand about taking the team out on a Friday afternoon for a few jars on the company card? That is all that is needed to keep motivation up.

Ah, but that's not SOX compliant is it?

[minestrone]

What does big business not understand about taking the team out on a Friday afternoon for a few jars on the company card? That is all that is needed to keep motivation up.

Anyway the last place I was in (IB) we had the only manager that never took the team out, we later found out she was taking her extended family out for a big meal every month and putting it down as team entertainment.

[Chantho]

Yesterday I asked the congregation why time reporting systems are so cack, and was enlightened by several helpful answers.

Today I have a subject about which I need not really debate it’s cackness. The company song. I have been presented with a CD containing the new ClientCo company song, with the lyrics on the back of the wrapper. It’s in Dutch but I shall translate the refrain to give you an indication of it’s crapulence;

Further…
Even with the wind against us
I won’t leave you standing
I won’t let you go
Together with one goal
We’ll go further.

Sung in the Dutch ‘smartlap’ style; a sort of bastard crossover of German folk music and Engelbert Humperdinck style crooning.

What gets into the heads of people who dream up this cack?
Anyone got any more nauseating examples?

For some reason this comes to mind

>
I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I'd find a much better place
Either with or without you
<

[b0redom]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most buttock clenchingly bad 'motivational' video ever:

http://video.google.com/googleplayer...00218&hl=en-GB

I was in the auditorium with a stinking hangover (as a permie) when they played this. There was silence. You could have heard a pin drop until the sniggering started.

[scooby]

A previous employer - an IB of all places - sent us on training where we had to throw toy fish around at each other whilst shouting things like "Woo hoo" and "Do it". I kid you not. This was apparently inspired by some fish trading stall in Seattle.

Shortly after this episode I handed in my notice and went contracting.

We used ping-pong balls and bats. We had to "coach" them. easy day in the life of a permie and I walked away with 3 balls that we then used as missiles round the office!! Result!

[Mich the Tester]

A previous employer - an IB of all places - sent us on training where we had to throw toy fish around at each other whilst shouting things like "Woo hoo" and "Do it". I kid you not. This was apparently inspired by some fish trading stall in Seattle.

Shortly after this episode I handed in my notice and went contracting.

I bet there’s money to be made from this bollocks. I went on a training session with ClientCo where a theatre actor made us do stand up comedy, make up stories about ducks and walk around in pairs each one alternately saying one word to make sentences. They paid me my full rate to be there all day. Hardest I’ve worked in ages.

[moorfield]

Anyone got any more nauseating examples?

A previous employer - an IB of all places - sent us on training where we had to throw toy fish around at each other whilst shouting things like "Woo hoo" and "Do it". I kid you not. This was apparently inspired by some fish trading stall in Seattle.

Shortly after this episode I handed in my notice and went contracting.

[scooby]

Olden days from Fujitsu 2002, not long after the rebrand from ICL. we were all sent this via email and posted on the intranet: http://anthems.zdnet.co.uk/anthems/fujitsu.mp3

Lyrics and report here: http://resources.zdnet.co.uk/article...2125636,00.htm