Reply to: A left ear, a right ear and a nose walk into a bar

[DaveB]

A man walks into a bar in New York. He sits down, puts a large bag on the bar and orders a drink.

"Whats in the bag?" askes the barman by way of conversation.

"I'll show you" says the man.

He opens the bag and lifts out a miniature grand piano and puts it on the bar.

Then he pulls out a miniature stool and puts it in front of the piano.

Finally he reashes back into the bag and pulls out man, no more that a foot high, and wearing full evening dress. The small man sits down at the piano and begins to play beautifully.

"Wow!" Says the barman, most impressed, "Where did you get that little guy?"

"It's a long story" says the man. "but when I was travelling in the Far East I came across this lamp. The man who sold it to me told me that all I had to do was rub it hard and think of my greatest desire and it would be granted."

"Thats amazing" replies the barman, "where is the lamp now?"

"It's right here" says the man, pulling an old brass lamp out of the bag.

"And all you have to do is rub it hard and think of the thing you want the most?" the barman asked.

"Thats it" says the man.

"I'll give you $100 to use it once" said the bar man.

"No" said the man.

"Five hundred!" said the barman

"No"

"A thousand! A thousand dollars right now to use that lamp once!"

"Hmmm" said the man." A thousand dollars you say?"

"A Thousand Dollars!" Exclaimed the barman, "I'll fetch it from the safe right now!".

"Ok", said the man, "for a thousand dollars you can use the lamp just once."

The barman rushed off to the back of the bar to fetch the money from the safe. A few mintes later he returns.

"Here you are " he said "A thousand dollars, just like we agreed"

"Ok" said the man, taking the money. "Here is the lamp. Rub it hard and think of the thing you want the most. Remember, you only get one shot, so make it a good one."

The barman took the lamp, held it in one hand and with the other began to rub vigorously. Closing his eyes tight he concentrated on thinking of the thing he wanted the most.

The next thing the barman knew, when he opened his eyes the room was full of ducks. Ducks on the bar, ducks on the tables, ducks on the floor, ducks out the door and down the street. Ducks everywhere, so many that he could hardly move without treading on one.

"What the hell is this!" The barman demanded, "I asked for a Million Bucks!"

"Dont blame me" replied the man, "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"


IGMC.

[Moose423956]

Algorithm - the frequency by which someone runs for vice-president of the US.

[Moose423956]

And the dyslexic goalie who made a fantastic vase.

[BoredBloke]

"Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic who choked on his own vimto"

But did hear of the one who tried to hold up a bank with a gnu. And who got a red hot poker up the @rse when he asked satan for a suprise at christmas.

[DBA_bloke]

Piece of string walks into a pub and orders a lager.

"Feck off!" says the barman, "I can't serve alcohol to string."

String goes away and returns wearing sunglasses and a false moustache.

"Feck off", says the barman, "You're a piece of string, aren't you?"

String fecks off and returns with a boob job and a blonde wig.

"Feck off", says the barman, You're a piece of string, aren't you?"

String fecks off and has a think. Suddenly, the piece of string ties itself into a knot, and pulls apart its ends.

String walks into the bar.

"Feck off", says the barman, You're a piece of string, aren't you?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

[DaveB]

A duck walking into a bar and asks for a packet of bird food.

"We don't serve bird food" says the barman.

"Ok" says the duck, and walks out again.

Next day the duck come back in.

"Got any bird food?" he asks the bar man.

"No." Says the barman, "I told you yesterday we dont serve bird food."

"Ok" says the duck, and leaves once more.

Next day the duck is back again.

"Listen here," says the bar man, " if you ask for bird food again I'll nail your bloody beak to the bar!".

The duck looks at him.

"Got any nails?" He asks.

"No" Says the barman.

"Right", says the duck, "Have you got any bird food?"



IGMC.

[ChimpMaster]

A duck walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager please barman, and put it on my bill".

......A computer walks into a into a bar and says "A pint of lager please barman, and put it on my tab"

[DaveB]

A duck walks into a bar and says "A pint of lager please barman, and put it on my bill".

[SallyAnne]

A blind man walks into a bar.

I cant believe you laughed at that you sicko

[Moose423956]

A ghost walks into a pub and says "Large Jack Daniels please". The barman says "We don't serve spirits here".

[Moose423956]

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic who choked on his own vimto?

[SallyAnne]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[Pinto]

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The waitress says: "Whoever says liver and cheese in the same sentence, and I like it, can have me."

Englishman: "I love liver and cheese."

Waitress: "That's not creative enough."

Scotsman: "I hate liver and cheese."

Waitress: "That's just as bad."

Irishman: "Liver alone....cheese mine!"

[SallyAnne]

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

[SallyAnne]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.