Reply to: Teenagers are little sh@tes - spy software recommendation?

[psychocandy]

OK - so looking at this from the outside -

You're a 10 year old. About to start secondary school. Along comes new baby. Lots of fuss made of new baby. You feel a bit neglected. You play up. Baby grows into cute toddler and cute little girl. She gets lots of love, smiles and attention. You get told off, no-one understands you (in your eyes), your parents love the kid, but you're just a nuisance. Mum has even told you she doesn't want you at home any more.

Note - none of this is a criticism - life is complicated - but you can see how his self esteem could be rock bottom.

Try and make the kid feel valued, loved and wanted - and useful! You may find the behaviour improves. Do stuff with him (just you and him - no sister) - footie, or whatever he's interested in and try and become his friend. You might even find you like him

Fair comment muddie and I think you're spot on here.

We were aware of all of this from the beginning and have gone out of our way to do as you suggest. As much as is humanly possible. Over the years hes just withdrawn and shied away from us as much as he can.

I cant list the number of activities we've tried to get him to do and do together and it always comes back the same thing. Not interested in doing anything else.

[mudskipper]

OK - so looking at this from the outside -

You're a 10 year old. About to start secondary school. Along comes new baby. Lots of fuss made of new baby. You feel a bit neglected. You play up. Baby grows into cute toddler and cute little girl. She gets lots of love, smiles and attention. You get told off, no-one understands you (in your eyes), your parents love the kid, but you're just a nuisance. Mum has even told you she doesn't want you at home any more.

Note - none of this is a criticism - life is complicated - but you can see how his self esteem could be rock bottom.

Try and make the kid feel valued, loved and wanted - and useful! You may find the behaviour improves. Do stuff with him (just you and him - no sister) - footie, or whatever he's interested in and try and become his friend. You might even find you like him

[psychocandy]

Have a read through the Cats in the Cradle lyrics - quite poignant.

Do you spend much time with him? Common hobby, etc.?

Don;t worry workaholic is not me! I don't even work away from home - Id rather claim JSA!

Tried many times to get him interested in things. Not interested. All he wants to do is play computer games online.

Yeh I know you're thinking yeh right. But both my mrs and I have really tried hard with him - my mrs probably more so admitedly.

It got to the point where we'd take him out for meals and he'd deliberately kick off because he didnt want to be there. We tried taking him to his favourite places, or asking what he wanted to do. He still didnt want to go.

We've tried asking him what he wants to do. Just the other day, we asked if he wanted to do x, y and z with us, whether he wanted to see his friends etc over the hols. Shrug, nah not really.

[psychocandy]

Good post. Tough in real life and testing.

Fortnite seems to be very addictive and also makes my son angry!

Don't think he plays Fortnite. Its hearts of iron he plays I think.

Theres angry and theres angry and hitting things multiple times mind!

[LondonManc]

Ha ha could be. Last time was about 6 years ago so he'd have been 8.

Saying that he did phone me once a year or so ago to ask me to drop his PE kit in toy school because he'd forgotten it. When I said not really because I was in work and it'd take me 90 mins to get home. His answer was " ahh I wondered where you were going every day".

Have a read through the Cats in the Cradle lyrics - quite poignant.

Do you spend much time with him? Common hobby, etc.?

[psychocandy]

Very true. He could be ashamed of his dad claiming JSA when he's in between contracts?

Ha ha could be. Last time was about 6 years ago so he'd have been 8.

Saying that he did phone me once a year or so ago to ask me to drop his PE kit in toy school because he'd forgotten it. When I said not really because I was in work and it'd take me 90 mins to get home. His answer was " ahh I wondered where you were going every day".

[northernladuk]

Typical CUK thread - go through 9 rubbish replies to get 1 good one.

Sometimes putting these things out can lead to the right result - look at MF's child issues.

To be fair that's pretty good stats bearing in mind where he's posted it

Although when it comes to kids we all try a little harder but in both cases it's very complicated and beyond the norm so hard to get good advice.

[GreenMirror]

Typical CUK thread - go through 9 rubbish replies to get 1 good one.

Sometimes putting these things out can lead to the right result - look at MF's child issues.

[vetran]

How old is he? Is "wanting him out" an option? It seems unlikely that it will improve his outcome.

If his sister is 5, it's possible he's feeling "less loved" - small children do necessarily get a lot more attention, and teenagers aren't mature enough to cope with those sort of emotions.

When's the last time you said something positive to him? (Not a criticism, but something to think about if the last few months/years have been all about what a problem he is).

When I sought help with my eldest, it surprised me that when he was asked to tell the shrink five good things about himself, he could only come up with one.

Try and find the good in him and praise it.

It does sound like you need professional help - good luck, and sympathies.

Agree the small one may be part of the problem. Our Eldest two did stumble a bit with the idea of our youngest.

They are now devoted to her and she winds them round her little finger but there were times when it didn't look like that would be the case. Definitely worth spending special time with each individually.

Interesting exercise, name 5 good things about yourself.

Just thinking about my girls and trying to isolate each one's 5. They have lots of common traits but they are also individuals.

As a few people said, this may not be the best place to discuss it, this is definitely a bearpit, professional help may be a very good idea.

[northernladuk]

Well I really hope in real life this post is not a true reflection of the real NLUK.

Not quite sure what you mean by that but I stand by what I said. I'm not the type of person that's willing to lay my life bare on a public forum and find it very difficult to understand why others do? I guess it helps just putting your thoughts in your head down even if the responses aren't helpful I dunno but can't see how it's actually fixing your situation. You've not mentioned anything about acting on the advice many of us gave. Why is the PC still in his room? You didn't appear to take the PC away or cut his internet off when so many said do so, only when he's trashed his room you've done it. I don't understand why you didn't put more effort in to a fairly obvious solution much earlier and how you can go down the spy ware route rather than dealing with it properly.

But anyway, you've got bigger issues than we can help with so my message was, and has been echoed by others, to go get proper help. Us telling you it's only teenagers issues is wrong and isn't helpful so why continue? So maybe I put it a bit harshly but I do believe going to somewhere that is more on topic for your problems is much better than playing it out in all it's detail on here.

[Zigenare]

Good post. Tough in real life and testing.

Fortnite seems to be very addictive and also makes my son angry!

Angry or frustrated?

[saptastic]

It does sound like the OP is having serious issues, and I sympathise, but having read this thread a lot of it sounds like "teenage behaviour".

That may not be very helpful, but teenagers can be right little shites without really meaning to be.

Part of the problem is that they have reached a "physical" age of independence. He doesn't want you to be controlling him yet you still want to control him and - mentally - he obviously isn't quite ready to be in charge of his own actions.

My suggestion would be to get him "on side". Take him fishing, have a few dad beers with him, let him miss school a couple of times and face the consequences, and try to love him for who he is not who you are! Show him that he will always be your son and much loved even if he does stupid stuff, and gradually try to tease out the son who doesn't actually want to do stupid stuff.

By rigorously enforcing your rules you are keeping him in childhood - you need to be easing him into adulthood.

Good post. Tough in real life and testing.

Fortnite seems to be very addictive and also makes my son angry!

[LondonManc]

My (now ex) brother-in-law had similar issues as a teenager. Possibly didn't help that his father was having an affair and leaving him and his sisters alone in a scary place in the country whilst the mother worked nights... no such thing as a perfect family.

The ex-b-i-l was shipped out to Australia to stay with family and learn viticulture. He is one of the nicest guys you could wish to meet but still has some issues around that time and that abandonment. What he really needed was parental care. Just saying like. The trashing of the place and the violence is a symptom of an underlying issue. Deal with the issue and they WILL go away. Inflexibility isn't the answer.

Very true. He could be ashamed of his dad claiming JSA when he's in between contracts?

[Bacchus]

Aye part of the problem is knowing whats teenage stuff and whats part of his "issues".

Trouble is rules like not being violent and trashing the place are pretty inflexible.

My (now ex) brother-in-law had similar issues as a teenager. Possibly didn't help that his father was having an affair and leaving him and his sisters alone in a scary place in the country whilst the mother worked nights... no such thing as a perfect family.

The ex-b-i-l was shipped out to Australia to stay with family and learn viticulture. He is one of the nicest guys you could wish to meet but still has some issues around that time and that abandonment. What he really needed was parental care. Just saying like. The trashing of the place and the violence is a symptom of an underlying issue. Deal with the issue and they WILL go away. Inflexibility isn't the answer.

[psychocandy]

Suggestions? Quit this thread and don't play out every detail of your personal family problems on a forum that generally doesn't think very much of you.

You need to get help, not spew the inner workings of your family problems on a forum full of IT randoms.

Take it to a forum that deals with similar issues or at the very least take it over to mumsnet.

Well I really hope in real life this post is not a true reflection of the real NLUK.