On Thursday I had a general anaesthetic. The surgeon said some people complain of constipation afterwards.
I've just been to the loo for the first time since Wednesday evening.
Ooh, the pain! It was like passing a branch. And it couldn't even be snipped off part way through; I just had to persevere.
When I got to the end, gravity took over and it was like, like, err, nothing I want to experience again. It was like pulling your welly out of deep mud.
And when I stood up, I thought I had indeed passed a branch. But it was staring at me with a look of adoration and fondness; I expected it to call out "Daddy!"
Its root may have disappeared beyond the bend but it stood tall and proud and ready to face the world with an alarming degree of upright confidence.
I almost wept again when it wouldn't flush. I didn't dare use the brush in case it leapt up and attacked me. So I just kept flushing until eventually, it relented and accepted its fate on Earth was to be shorter in lifespan than it was in girth.
The feeling of relief I now have almost makes the pain - emotional as well as physical - worthwhile.
Of particular note was that the paper came away clean.
I am now very glad I had that bottle of real ale last night. Who knows how much longer I may have gone on putting on weight.
The surgeon warned me of none of this.
I've just been to the loo for the first time since Wednesday evening.
Ooh, the pain! It was like passing a branch. And it couldn't even be snipped off part way through; I just had to persevere.
When I got to the end, gravity took over and it was like, like, err, nothing I want to experience again. It was like pulling your welly out of deep mud.
And when I stood up, I thought I had indeed passed a branch. But it was staring at me with a look of adoration and fondness; I expected it to call out "Daddy!"
Its root may have disappeared beyond the bend but it stood tall and proud and ready to face the world with an alarming degree of upright confidence.
I almost wept again when it wouldn't flush. I didn't dare use the brush in case it leapt up and attacked me. So I just kept flushing until eventually, it relented and accepted its fate on Earth was to be shorter in lifespan than it was in girth.
The feeling of relief I now have almost makes the pain - emotional as well as physical - worthwhile.
Of particular note was that the paper came away clean.
I am now very glad I had that bottle of real ale last night. Who knows how much longer I may have gone on putting on weight.
The surgeon warned me of none of this.
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