THIS IS A FUNNY LETTER:
To Rt Hon David Milliband M.P.
Secretary of State, DEFRA
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000
from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the
"not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the
EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want
not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old
Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there Government or Local
Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for
forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.
That is until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I can get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing
100?
I plan to operate on a smalll scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.
Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.
Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes
of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.
Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
did not rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
government information on set-aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields.
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.
To Rt Hon David Milliband M.P.
Secretary of State, DEFRA
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000
from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the
"not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the
EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want
not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old
Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there Government or Local
Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for
forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.
That is until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I can get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing
100?
I plan to operate on a smalll scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.
Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.
Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes
of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.
Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
did not rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
government information on set-aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields.
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.
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