test please delete

[n5gooner]

A tribe of prehistoric man-apes engage in their regular life activities and the tribe is struggling to survive with minimal resources available in the dry desert. One morning, a mysterious black rectangular monolith appears near their habitation and is nervously examined by the apes. Following this encounter, a lone man-ape discovers the first tool while scavenging through a pile of bones. The man-ape picks up a bone and plays with it, finally crushing the other bones, as with a club. The man-apes eat meat — presumably that of a freshly killed tapir. The man-ape who created the tool, now leading the tribe and standing partially upright, recaptures the waterhole, clubbing an enemy ape to death with the new-found weapon. As some of his tribe mimic his actions, he howls in triumph — man has learned to kill using tools. The victorious man-ape throws his bone weapon high into the air, at which point the film jumps forward to the future, matching the image of the tumbling bone to that of a man-made orbital satellite.

[n5gooner]

A Pan Am spaceplane docks to an Earth-orbital space station. The shuttle carries only one passenger, Dr. Heywood R. Floyd (William Sylvester), a leading American scientist bound for the Moon. After arriving at the station, Floyd meets a group of Soviet scientists and sits down for a brief chat. Floyd reveals that he is going to the Moon base in the crater Clavius, and Dr. Andrei Smyslov (Leonard Rossiter) inquires as to why nobody had been able to establish contact there and mentions that the base recently denied emergency landing to one of their shuttles (a direct violation of space travel rules). Floyd feigns naïve surprise, but when Smyslov inquires about a rumor that an epidemic has broken out at the base, Floyd ominously refuses to comment on the situation, citing security restrictions.

Floyd travels to Moon Base Clavius on a lunar landing craft. He meets the base's scientists and administrators and speaks on the importance of hiding the true reason for the base's suspicious quarantine. During a Q&A session, he states that the "cover story" of an epidemic and a base-wide communications black-out will remain in effect until decided otherwise by their superiors on Earth. He reminds them of "the potential for cultural shock and social disorientation" that their discovery presents.

[n5gooner]

During a subsequent moonbus ride to the excavation, a discussion between Floyd and a base administrator reveals they have discovered an object buried on the Moon (dubbed Tycho Magnetic Anomaly 1 or TMA-1 for short). Investigation has shown conclusively that it was "deliberately buried" four million years earlier. The shuttle lands at the dig site, and the scientists approach a monolith. Floyd strokes the smooth surface of the object, mirroring the awe and curiosity that the man-ape exhibited millions of years earlier. They gather around it for a group photo but are interrupted when an earsplitting, continuous high-pitched tone is picked up by their radio receivers, emitted by the Monolith as the sun shines upon it for the first time in four million years.

[n5gooner]

Aboard the spaceship Discovery One are the mission pilots, astronauts Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) and Frank Poole (Gary Lockwood), and three scientists "sleeping" in cryogenic hibernation. The astronauts have a mundane daily life on board the spacecraft: ship maintenance and operations, physical exercise, eating, sleeping, receiving birthday greetings from home, playing chess and even sketching. The crew watches a BBC television program about themselves, in which the "sixth member" of the crew, the HAL 9000 supercomputer (Douglas Rain), is introduced and interviewed. The interview reveals that though the supercomputer is the pinnacle in artificial machine intelligence, with a remarkable, error-free performance record, it is designed to communicate and interact like a human, and even mimics (or reproduces) human emotions, and in fact the astronauts have quickly learned to treat it like another crewman, addressing it as "Hal".

[Clownio]

Government set to ban drinking in pubs

The government is widely expected to call time on what it calls "the outdated and unhealthy practice of selling alcohol in pubs".

New legislation introduced today will, if it is passed, call last orders on boozers selling beer, wine and spirits. And quite possibly peanuts too.

Health Minister Derek Turd said, "we have known about the detrimental effects of passive drinking for some time and this seemed the most logical way to reduce the number of cases admitted to hospital which alone cost the NHS £5000bn a year."

One victim of passive drinking, Arthur Cock welcomed the proposed new legislation, saying "passive drinking has certainly had a negative effect on my life. I've stood in close proximity to drinkers in pubs during a conversation and after each occasion I've found myself slurring my words and having difficulty walking."

"After one particularly lengthy exposure I was discovered in the garden of a neighbour's house urinating in their fish pond. It shouldn't be allowed."

[Clownio]

KKK O.K. with Minority Members

The Brothers of the Ku Klux Klan announced yesterday that they would be implementing a diversity program to increase membership. In a statement posted on the Klan's website, www.yesweklan.org, National Grand Dragon, Emmet Kelly Harmon, declared "the brothers of the Ku Klux Klan will now accept brothers." They will also actively engage in the recruitment of "Indians, the war paint and other kind; middle easterners as long as they're not Osama bin Laden and Italo-Americans but only if they're not too dark skinned." The statement stopped short of a total open door policy, ending with "bitches still need not apply. Thank you."

In a phone interview from his trailer, Kelly-Harmon said the decision was not one of abandoning the Klan's mission to "kill the mongrel races" but one of practicality. "Enrollment has been dipping since the passage of The Civil Rights Act of 1965; and when Roots came out on DVD well-doggies, that was a hay-maker." Internal factors also played a part. "You wouldn't think it to look at us, but most of us aren't too keen on longevity on account of the inbreeding."

Kelly-Harmon admitted that the existing membership would have to adapt. "My cousin, Delray Montieth-Kelly-Harmon loves to use this joke after our annual beach barbecue 'Hey Emmet Kelly-Harmon, smile so I can see you?' Now, he'll have to get some new material, but it was getting kind of tired." Other aspects of Klan nomenclature will not have to change. "Who would have thought that 150 years ago when we used to say 'my ni99er' we were the first rappers? Now we can say that again to our new members' faces!"

All in all, Kelly-Harmon believes the move toward affirmative action will benefit the Klan in the future. "Take my Klavern as an example. No one could make a decent pot of collard greens and, obviously, we couldn't ask the African Americans we would invite to our gatherings-if you get my meaning. Another thing, I always wanted to know is it 'parmesan' or 'parmagiano'? When asked what the recruitment pitch to men of color to don the white robe would be, Kelly-Harmon quickly answered: "We have a great group medical plan."

[Xenophon]

bump

[DaveB]

bump

[alreadypacked]

Morning !

Better today

[Ivor1]

Eat sausages everyday, all day, every year.