• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

test please delete

This is a sticky topic.
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Super Vixens was an interesting film
    How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think


      Originally posted by Troll
      Super Vixens was an interesting film
      I can't see that thinking of Super Vixens is going to lower your blood pressure.


        Glastonbury Tor is a nice hill
        How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think


          Blancmange used to be one of my favourite desserts
          How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think


            Do you like melons?


              Baps are nice
              How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think


                Milk in jugs?


                  Originally posted by Troll
                  Blancmange used to be one of my favourite desserts
                  but now? spotted dick and custard?


                    "Carlos Tevez so ugly could have played for Liverpool" says Sir Alex

                    The Carlos Tevez saga continues to fill the back pages of the UK papers, although to be honest there's not much else happening in sport at the moment, but the latest twist stunned assembled reporters.

                    Sir Alex Ferguson, attending a charity match at Liverpool's ageing and decrepit Anfield Stadium, stated about Carlos that "The lads so ugly he could have played for Liverpool in the 80's."

                    Peter Beardsley was said to be especially upset and muttered something that no one could understand, whilst Kenny Dalglish also ranted for a good few minutes with only a few words being decipherable. Kevin Keegan said "I'd love it if we beat them, just love it!" Although when it was pointed out to him that he's no longer a football manager he burst out crying and left the room.
                    Alan Hanson promised to do something or other, but to be honest I was bored with him directly he opened his mouth.

                    Only Graham Souness made any sense, stating quite clearly "Let me at him, I'm going to f***ing kill him," before being dragged away by Ian Rush who was heard to say "Leave him, he's not worth it."
                    I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


                      Probably all made up but some are funny......

                      These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour ...

                      Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
                      A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

                      Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
                      A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

                      Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
                      A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

                      Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
                      A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

                      Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
                      A: What did your last slave die of?

                      Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
                      A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

                      Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
                      A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

                      Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
                      A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

                      Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
                      A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

                      Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
                      A: You are a British politician, right?

                      Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
                      A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

                      Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
                      A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

                      Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
                      A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

                      Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
                      A: No, WE don't stink.

                      Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
                      A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

                      Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
                      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

                      Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
                      A: Only at Christmas.

                      Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
                      A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

                      Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
                      A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
                      I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground